and... 2 months later

So here I am..... two months later and just now writing another blog... LOL.  See.. the thing is, if I am not happy with things then the last thing I want to do is write about it and share.  I have to admit, the last few months, if not the whole year, has been a huge struggle for me.  I look back at my old blogs and think..... I wish I could find that girl again.... It hurts, its hard and its life.  Its time for me to quit feeling sorry for myself and move forward.  I will never find that girl if I don't get my focus back to where it was when I was that girl. I know that I am the only one that can fix me.... I also know that inspiring people and helping people helps me and makes me happy, but I cannot do this until  I fix me.  I have gained some weight back... it kills me...I swore to myself I would never do it... and I did. The more I gain the farther I get from where I was at my goal and it makes me feel I can never be there again.  To me in my head I might as well have lost NO weight bc I have failed myself in gaining some back.  I don't feel I deserve the compliments bc I am a failure.  I don't believe my picture should be on the wall at medifast. I don't believe they should be airing my commercial anymore bc I am failing at this now..... Its my struggle, I get that..... It will always be my struggle and Im ok with that.  I just want to beat it just a little.  I haven't ran in about 2 months.  I want to get back to my running... it is such a mental release for me, but Im too busy making excuses of why I cant run.  Ughhhhhhhhh  I am hoping by putting this out there that it will help me to try to get my focus back and get back to that girl, the girl  that for the first time in her life loved herself... I want that love and crave it..... I need it.... and only I can get that back... all the power is in my hands....... The first step is the hardest... putting those running clothes on and that first step out the door is the hardest....I won't make a commitment here to start today or next week bc honestly I am so hard headed that I rebel against myself.  If I tell myself I have to do something then you better believe im not going to do it bc that showed me didn't it.....The reality is... life is too short.... I am wasting time being silly when I need to just step up and suck it up..... Im only hurting myself with my thoughts.... and the thing is.... life is hard enough as it is, people are mean and hurtful enough out there, that in the end we can only depend on ourselves for complete happiness and only I can do that.