So I have to just own it and admit my heart just has not been into this blog in the past few months. I have just been a bit lost since my life took such a huge turn in December. On December 21st I lost my job. I know it sounds small, but I don't know if you have ever lost a job, but it really messes with your head. You literally go through the stages of mourning, crazy I know but true. Especially when it is a 20 year career that you are walking away from and closing the door to. Then if this wasn't enough to throw me spinning I had a, what I thought was, close friend of 8 years basically cut me out of their life in a email. There were very hurtful and mean things written in this also that hurt me so very bad. This happened in February and in March I lost my grandmother. As bad as I hate to admit, all these things sent me into a tailspin. I feel like I have been basically just been in survival mode for the last 7 months. Like I"ve been walking around numb. Many other things happened but not enough to mention, that also took a toll on me. I was thinking today and looking back at my photo shoot pics at how happy I was then. I was on cloud nine, no one could knock me down. I feel when I look at those pics that it is not even me!! How did I lose that girl, that confident girl I had become, hat had fought so hard to get to where she was??? Where is she and how do I get her back. I feel broken a bit, just absolutely broken. Like everyone and anyone has just kicked me when i am down and every time I try to get up, take another kick to the gut. I am that friend that you want, that never leaves and always gives my all. My old boss said something to me one time I will never forget and it hurts me to even think over it. She told me her husband said I was like that old faithful dog, was always there and never left....... Wow what a slap in the face now huh to think she said I was never really a friend to her.....That is me if our friendship ends it is bc you leave me which seems to be what everyone ends up doing, except for the only one that has been there since the third grade. I know I can always count on her and she will never leave me. You know I just look at it this way. I try to do what I would want done to me. To be the friend I want you to be to me. What you choose to do with that is on you and if you hurt me, I'll survive but at the end of the day I know that I did right and you have to live with what you do.
As for my weight loss all these things have taken a toll on that too. I have struggled with it and I mean freaking struggled. I am a food addict, a emotional eater, food is my drug. So while being emotionally a wreck I turn to food. I hate to say this out loud but as I have said before if you don't say it out loud it isn't real. So for my healing and for me to move forward I must admit this here. I have gained about 15 pounds back from where I was last year. Basically after I lost my job I have slowly gained back weight. God you have no idea how bad that hurts to admit. It scares me to death and freaks me out. I don't want to go back and be that girl again. NEVER I feel out of control and that scares me. I am trying so hard to get back and get control of this and get back down to where I was happy at. I know I can do it and I am hoping by putting it here that I can move forward from here. I feel like when ppl see me they are whispering saying look at her she has gained weight back and do you have any idea what a hypocrite I feel like at work helping ppl overcome their struggles when i cannot even get mine under control....... Wow It is so hard. I can do it I know I can I just have got to get my head under control. I want to be me again. Lindsay the girl who overcame so much and found an amazing person underneath. I want to be that inspiring amazing girl again.... I feel like she is lost somewhere and I am this hollow body........Like I am just going through the motions of life..... I said I would never settle again and I feel like I am back to doing just that....Watching life pass me by......And that My dear is NOT OK!!!!!!! So from this day forward and I am going back...Back to me.... finding myself again.. As I have said before if I don't take care of me first, love me first, I am no good to anyone else....
