I Can Do Anything I Set My Mind To

So, in two days I will be running my second half marathon.  I did the Mercedes half last year, but I did not run the whole race.  Well, I will be running the whole race this time.  I was talking to my counselor the other day telling her that I am scared to death.  She asked me of what and I told her of not being able to run the whole race.  She asked my why was I worried and I thought about it and realized it is because I am afraid I will convince myself I cannot do it.  If you are a runner, you know that 99% of your run is your mind.  It is more of a mental battle than a physical battle.  I have a agument in my head every run trying to convince myself I can't do it, or I am ready to quit.  Well I know that in 13.1 miles there is going to be  a lot of mental battles.  As I was talking to her I said "I have no doubt that I can run this whole race"......Wow, she looked at me and said "Do you realize what you just said?"...  I was like "What"... and she said "You just said that you have no doubt that you can run the whole race".... Wow...so what is my problem then....I am going to tell you what it is ....I have failed and let myself down and so much in my life and I am scared of failing.  I am scared of convincing myself during this race that I cannot do it.  My counselor gave me, I think the best advice anyone could give me.  She told me to have a plan for how I will handle the situation if I want to quit.  Like what will I think about or tell myself to pull me through it.  This is such a HUGE deal for me to run this whole race.  Like in my head if I don't run the whole thing, then I might as well not even do it.  I want to prove to myself that if I set my mind to it I can do ANYTHING!!!!!!  I will be writing  Phillippians 4:13 on my arm.."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  I think this will help me in a huge way.  So when I want to give up and quit I can read this and know that without Him, I would have never lost my weight or gotten to where I am in my life.  I know that He will get me through this, He has gotten me through every single run I have done.  This is going to be amazing and I cannot WAIT to cross that finish line!!!!!  I almost get tears in my eyes right now thinking of the feeling I will get when I cross it......I never ever thought I could do this...I mean I never thought that I was worth the fight, deserved to accomplish anything or be worth the fight.  So I will run 13.1 miles, I will run the whole race and it will be amazing.  I will have one of my biggest fans and supports by my side with me and how awesome that will be.  She ran by my side and crossed the finish line with me in my first 5K and has been one of my biggest fans and supporters and I love her for it.   Jennifer, we got this I am gonna do this and I am so glad I get to do ith with YOU!!!!!!!!

I don't want to always wonder, What could have been.....

You know, I am realizing that if I don't step out there and take a chance in life I will never know how much is out there for me.  I have a hard time having self confidence.  It is something I have never allowed myself to have and I feel like I am being cocky when I have some.  I have to learn the difference and learn to tell myself that confidence is a good thing.  I am realizing that if I don't put myself out there, try things, and guess what.... fail, that I will never know if I could have been successful at it.  I worry way too much of what people think of me and what I do.  I am trying to learn that at the end of the day,  guess what...???  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  They don't live my life and they are not going to make me happy..I am, so I have to worry about me and what makes me happy.  I have also realized that without trying, I will never know if I could have done it. So at the end of the day the worst that could happen is I fail.  So What?!   At least I will not wonder  for the rest of my life what could have been. 
So this now brings me to the reason for my blog today.  I have felt a HUGE pull (and I know it is God leading me to where he wants me) to speak to groups of people.  I am not really sure how I am supposed to do this and I feel it will all fall into place in the right time.  I also am seriously considering writing a actual book about my journey.  I feel a huge pull to do this also.  I feel I need to tell my complete story and journey, that through that I can reach and help so many people.  It just comes so natural for me to talk about it.  I can literally stand up in front of anyone and ramble on about my journey.......Lindsay... the shy fat girl that wanted to die before she spoke in front of people....Wants to speak to big groups...Crazy right?????   No it's a God thing.....That is the only thing that can explain it.    So I am going to start the process of putting all my thoughts and experiences on paper and sort it out into chapters and see what happens.  I want to help people change their lives, I feel it is my purpose now.  I feel that I have lived the life I have to help me put that toward helping other people.  I know it sounds crazy and all that....but I feel too big of  a pull to ignore this.  I am wondering now if writing a book is where my speaking to groups of people will come in....Hmmmmm interesting I know......  I just know that the career in veterinary medicine I was in, I had maxed out. I was as high as I could be in that career and I was not ok with that.  I want to climb that ladder and have somewhere to strive to be.  I want the sky to be my limit, not know that I have gone as far as I can go and not be very far at all.  I want to get up everyday and say "I am going to work today to change lives",   yeah that's what I want to do..  I want to at the end of the day have no regrets and not wonder what could have  been....

Saying Goodbye and Letting Go is So Hard

As many of you know my Nanny Grace is not doing well.  This is my mom's mom and my only grandparent I have left. She is 89 years old, has dementia, is blind and many other problems.  She was in an assisted living home, but fell twice last week which put her in the hospital.  She was doing the hallucinating again and they admitted her.  Well yesterday her heart rate dipped down in the 30s so they moved her to MICU, which is a step below ICU.  She is a feisty little one, she is not really there anymore but she is happy I have to say.  She is not in any pain.  I feel her body is tired and wearing out, she's just ready.  I was talking to a wise friend this morning about her telling her how I just wish God would go ahead and call her home.  She is ready to go, I mean what is there left here for her to do........Well this friend reminded me that he is obviously not done with her yet....He is still using her and I may never know what he is using her for, but he will take her home in HIS time.....  Not mine.  So hard to understand.....sooooo terribly hard.. But I have to say after her saying this to me I got to thinking....And you know what....I do see at least one little thing he is using her for....I think he is using her to bring me and my sisters back together.  There has been a lot of things and hurt and heartache between the three of us the past few years and we have all become very distant with each other.  This is heartbreaking since I was basically best friends with both of them not long ago.  I miss them dearly and last night we were all there together at the hospital with me mom and nanny....  We laughed bc if you don't you will cry.  It felt like we were having a sleepover at one point.  So God knows what he is doing and is always at work.  Selfishly, of course I don't want to lose her, death is hard and sad and hurts.  But.....for her...I want her to go home to Heaven...to see her parents, Jack her love and all the others and for her to be healthy and herself again.  I don't want to say goodbye to her it stinks...its been a long time since I have lost someone close to me and I don't want to do it, but reality is I will and it will be sooner rather than later.  It is just hard to watch, it is hard and it hurts to see her this way.  It hurts to see it wear on my mom.......it is killing her.  I just hope that the end for her is peaceful and I hope and pray we will all feel a peace with it.   She has lived a long good life, we have been blessed to have her back here with us for the past few years so we can have a relationship with her.  She was able to meet my children and loves them dearly.  Everyone has made their peace with this and it feels so amazing, there will be no what ifs or regrets when she is gone, just some sadness but happiness for her that she is going home to Heaven....How glorious is that!!!!!