Things that are hard to admit.....

So I have to just own it and admit my heart just has not been into this blog in the past few months.  I have just been a bit lost since my life took such a huge turn in December.  On December 21st I lost my job.  I know it sounds small, but I don't know if you have ever lost a job, but it really messes with your head.  You literally go through the stages of mourning, crazy I know but true.  Especially when it is a 20 year career that you are walking away from and closing the door to.  Then if this wasn't enough to throw me spinning I had a, what I thought was, close friend of 8 years basically cut me out of their life in a email.  There were very hurtful and mean things written in this also that hurt me so very bad.  This happened in February and in March I lost my grandmother.  As bad as I hate to admit, all these things sent me into a tailspin.  I feel like I have been basically just been in survival mode for the last 7 months.  Like I"ve been walking around numb.  Many other things happened but not enough to mention, that also took a toll on me.  I was thinking today and looking back at my photo shoot pics at how happy I was then.  I was on cloud nine, no one could knock me down.  I feel when I look at those pics that it is not even me!!  How did I lose that girl, that confident girl I had become, hat had fought so hard to get to where she was???  Where is she and how do I get her back.  I feel broken a bit, just absolutely broken.  Like everyone and anyone has just kicked me when i am down and every time I try to get up,  take another kick to the gut.  I am that friend that you want, that never leaves and always gives my all.  My old boss said something to me one time I will never forget and it hurts me to even think over it.  She told me her husband said I was like that old faithful dog, was always there and never left....... Wow what a slap in the face now huh to think she said I was never really a friend to her.....That is me if our friendship  ends it is bc you leave me which seems to be what everyone ends up doing, except for the only one that has been there since the third grade.  I know I can always count on her and she will never leave me.  You know I just look at it this way. I try to do what I would want done to me.  To be the friend I want you to be to me.  What you choose to do with that is on you and if you hurt me, I'll survive but at the end of the day I know that I did right and you have to live with what you do. 

As for my weight loss all these things have taken a toll on that too.  I have struggled with it and I mean freaking struggled.  I am a food addict, a emotional eater, food is my drug.  So while being emotionally a wreck I turn to food.  I hate to say this out loud but as I have said before if you don't say it out loud it isn't real.  So for my healing and for me to move forward I must admit this here.  I have gained about 15 pounds back from where I was last year.  Basically after I lost my job I have slowly gained back weight.  God you have no idea how bad that hurts to admit.  It scares me to death and freaks me out.  I don't want to go back and be that girl again. NEVER  I feel out of control and that scares me.  I am trying so hard to get back and get control of this and get back down to where I was happy at.  I know I can do it and I am hoping by putting it here that I can move forward from here. I feel like when ppl see me they are whispering saying look at her she has gained weight back and do you have any idea what a hypocrite I feel like at work helping ppl overcome their struggles when i cannot even get mine under control....... Wow It is so hard.  I can do it I know I can I just have got to get my head under control.  I want to be me again.   Lindsay the girl who overcame so much and found an amazing person underneath.  I want to be that inspiring amazing girl again.... I feel like she is lost somewhere and I am this hollow body........Like I am just going through the motions of life..... I said I would never settle again and I feel like I am back to doing just that....Watching life pass me by......And that My dear is NOT OK!!!!!!! So from this day forward and I am going back...Back to me.... finding myself again..  As I have said before if I don't take care of me first, love me first, I am no good to anyone else....

My Crazy Life the Past few weeks........

So I haven't blogged in awhile.  I have had a lot going on in my life that has had my mind preoccupied and just, to be honest, have been down in the dumps and haven't wanted to.  It is hard to be motivational and inspirational when you are just trying to get by in your own life.... but I AM BACK!!!!

So much has happened and changed in my life in the past few months, at times it has been overwhelming.  I FINALLY started working full time at my new job at Medifast last week.  It has been so new, different and scary, but I think I am going to love it and be successful at it.  My grandmother died three weeks ago...she was 89.  There is so much more to that story than just losing her.  See, I never really had a relationship with my grandmother.  Her and my mother were not close at all and always had a very strained relationship....  Nanny was very close to my 2 cousins, but never had much to do with my sisters and I.  Two years ago, Nanny's health was getting worse and we made the decision to move her to Alabama from Georgia so my mom could care for her.  What we all really didn't realize was that this was our second chance to mend the differences and have that relationship we never had with her.  How amazing is that?   Who gets those chances????  We were so blessed to have that chance and I think I am correct when I say none of us would change a thing.  Her health declined over the last two years and it was a blessing how she went....it was so peaceful...she just slowing quit breathing and she looked so peaceful...   We all sat in her room with her those last few days....It was very hard as she had pneumonia and was struggling to breath and was somewhat unconscious.  The morning that she passed she regained consciousness for a very short time and she told me she loved me.....Those were the most special three words I have ever heard I think.....We were all able to tell her we loved her and that it was ok for her to let go....I miss her, it feels strange her not being here, but I know she is in Heaven able to see and hear again, with her love.  So it is selfish of me to wish she was still her, but I do miss her.  I will miss that sweet face, her always saying "hey darlin", her big big belly laugh and all her neat and funny stories.  She touched so many lives when she was here.  I kept questioning God, as to why he wouldn't take her sooner.  Well the night she passed away and we were in her room at the nursing home, I had a huge Aha moment.  As we stood around talking to all the helpers and nurses that had taken care of her, each and every one told us how special Nanny was to each of them and how she had touched each and every one of them in some way.......So there you go....He has got this.  He always has and always will.  Will I ever learn to quit questioning him.........In HIS time....... 
I am trying to get back to my running..  I have been sick on and off for 2 weeks now....So between this, Nanny's death and my career change, I have been a bit scattered.  I feel just run down..I want and Need to run so bad..It is a huge mental release for me as much as it is physical.  I will get there....I need to get well so I can get back on a regular schedule and I think then as things fall into place in my life, I will feel more in control and not feeling like my life is spinning out of control.....

I Can Do Anything I Set My Mind To

So, in two days I will be running my second half marathon.  I did the Mercedes half last year, but I did not run the whole race.  Well, I will be running the whole race this time.  I was talking to my counselor the other day telling her that I am scared to death.  She asked me of what and I told her of not being able to run the whole race.  She asked my why was I worried and I thought about it and realized it is because I am afraid I will convince myself I cannot do it.  If you are a runner, you know that 99% of your run is your mind.  It is more of a mental battle than a physical battle.  I have a agument in my head every run trying to convince myself I can't do it, or I am ready to quit.  Well I know that in 13.1 miles there is going to be  a lot of mental battles.  As I was talking to her I said "I have no doubt that I can run this whole race"......Wow, she looked at me and said "Do you realize what you just said?"...  I was like "What"... and she said "You just said that you have no doubt that you can run the whole race".... Wow...so what is my problem then....I am going to tell you what it is ....I have failed and let myself down and so much in my life and I am scared of failing.  I am scared of convincing myself during this race that I cannot do it.  My counselor gave me, I think the best advice anyone could give me.  She told me to have a plan for how I will handle the situation if I want to quit.  Like what will I think about or tell myself to pull me through it.  This is such a HUGE deal for me to run this whole race.  Like in my head if I don't run the whole thing, then I might as well not even do it.  I want to prove to myself that if I set my mind to it I can do ANYTHING!!!!!!  I will be writing  Phillippians 4:13 on my arm.."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  I think this will help me in a huge way.  So when I want to give up and quit I can read this and know that without Him, I would have never lost my weight or gotten to where I am in my life.  I know that He will get me through this, He has gotten me through every single run I have done.  This is going to be amazing and I cannot WAIT to cross that finish line!!!!!  I almost get tears in my eyes right now thinking of the feeling I will get when I cross it......I never ever thought I could do this...I mean I never thought that I was worth the fight, deserved to accomplish anything or be worth the fight.  So I will run 13.1 miles, I will run the whole race and it will be amazing.  I will have one of my biggest fans and supports by my side with me and how awesome that will be.  She ran by my side and crossed the finish line with me in my first 5K and has been one of my biggest fans and supporters and I love her for it.   Jennifer, we got this I am gonna do this and I am so glad I get to do ith with YOU!!!!!!!!

I don't want to always wonder, What could have been.....

You know, I am realizing that if I don't step out there and take a chance in life I will never know how much is out there for me.  I have a hard time having self confidence.  It is something I have never allowed myself to have and I feel like I am being cocky when I have some.  I have to learn the difference and learn to tell myself that confidence is a good thing.  I am realizing that if I don't put myself out there, try things, and guess what.... fail, that I will never know if I could have been successful at it.  I worry way too much of what people think of me and what I do.  I am trying to learn that at the end of the day,  guess what...???  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  They don't live my life and they are not going to make me happy..I am, so I have to worry about me and what makes me happy.  I have also realized that without trying, I will never know if I could have done it. So at the end of the day the worst that could happen is I fail.  So What?!   At least I will not wonder  for the rest of my life what could have been. 
So this now brings me to the reason for my blog today.  I have felt a HUGE pull (and I know it is God leading me to where he wants me) to speak to groups of people.  I am not really sure how I am supposed to do this and I feel it will all fall into place in the right time.  I also am seriously considering writing a actual book about my journey.  I feel a huge pull to do this also.  I feel I need to tell my complete story and journey, that through that I can reach and help so many people.  It just comes so natural for me to talk about it.  I can literally stand up in front of anyone and ramble on about my journey.......Lindsay... the shy fat girl that wanted to die before she spoke in front of people....Wants to speak to big groups...Crazy right?????   No it's a God thing.....That is the only thing that can explain it.    So I am going to start the process of putting all my thoughts and experiences on paper and sort it out into chapters and see what happens.  I want to help people change their lives, I feel it is my purpose now.  I feel that I have lived the life I have to help me put that toward helping other people.  I know it sounds crazy and all that....but I feel too big of  a pull to ignore this.  I am wondering now if writing a book is where my speaking to groups of people will come in....Hmmmmm interesting I know......  I just know that the career in veterinary medicine I was in, I had maxed out. I was as high as I could be in that career and I was not ok with that.  I want to climb that ladder and have somewhere to strive to be.  I want the sky to be my limit, not know that I have gone as far as I can go and not be very far at all.  I want to get up everyday and say "I am going to work today to change lives",   yeah that's what I want to do..  I want to at the end of the day have no regrets and not wonder what could have  been....

Saying Goodbye and Letting Go is So Hard

As many of you know my Nanny Grace is not doing well.  This is my mom's mom and my only grandparent I have left. She is 89 years old, has dementia, is blind and many other problems.  She was in an assisted living home, but fell twice last week which put her in the hospital.  She was doing the hallucinating again and they admitted her.  Well yesterday her heart rate dipped down in the 30s so they moved her to MICU, which is a step below ICU.  She is a feisty little one, she is not really there anymore but she is happy I have to say.  She is not in any pain.  I feel her body is tired and wearing out, she's just ready.  I was talking to a wise friend this morning about her telling her how I just wish God would go ahead and call her home.  She is ready to go, I mean what is there left here for her to do........Well this friend reminded me that he is obviously not done with her yet....He is still using her and I may never know what he is using her for, but he will take her home in HIS time.....  Not mine.  So hard to understand.....sooooo terribly hard.. But I have to say after her saying this to me I got to thinking....And you know what....I do see at least one little thing he is using her for....I think he is using her to bring me and my sisters back together.  There has been a lot of things and hurt and heartache between the three of us the past few years and we have all become very distant with each other.  This is heartbreaking since I was basically best friends with both of them not long ago.  I miss them dearly and last night we were all there together at the hospital with me mom and nanny....  We laughed bc if you don't you will cry.  It felt like we were having a sleepover at one point.  So God knows what he is doing and is always at work.  Selfishly, of course I don't want to lose her, death is hard and sad and hurts.  But.....for her...I want her to go home to Heaven...to see her parents, Jack her love and all the others and for her to be healthy and herself again.  I don't want to say goodbye to her it stinks...its been a long time since I have lost someone close to me and I don't want to do it, but reality is I will and it will be sooner rather than later.  It is just hard to watch, it is hard and it hurts to see her this way.  It hurts to see it wear on my mom.......it is killing her.  I just hope that the end for her is peaceful and I hope and pray we will all feel a peace with it.   She has lived a long good life, we have been blessed to have her back here with us for the past few years so we can have a relationship with her.  She was able to meet my children and loves them dearly.  Everyone has made their peace with this and it feels so amazing, there will be no what ifs or regrets when she is gone, just some sadness but happiness for her that she is going home to Heaven....How glorious is that!!!!!