Will I Ever Join The Gym????

As I have said before, I usually over think everything and obsess over it too.  Before I took the step to start losing weight I thought it over for a very long time.  I went over and over it in my head before I made that step.  Now, once I make up my mind, there is no turning back.  Right now my mind is consumed with joining a gym and I am so ready to take that  step!  I am scared to death to make the final step of  walking into a gym!!!!! I guess in my mind, I am still that overweight girl and I just know when I walk in everyone is going to be staring at me and judging me...I know, silly, but it's me.  I am just scared of walking in there and being overwhelmed and not know what in the world to do.  I have been in a gym before, but that was a very long time ago.  It was very small, it was a 24 hour gym and I went late at night so no one would be there when I went.  I feel like if I can hurry up and make this step that this will get me over this last hurdle in my weight loss.  I know for sure it will make me feel better and will continue to tone up my body.  Part of me is so ready for the gym.  I mean, really ready!  I am ready to feel the burn of the weights and to be sore the next day... It is so rewarding pushing your body to those limits.  And the soreness that you feel the next day just shows you how much you accomplished.  Then, when I start to see the muscles I am building!  Ahhhh, I cannot wait.  So now, I have to figure out what is this last little hurdle that is holding me back... and how do I overcome it?  I have to figure out what is the other part's problem lol.  I need to figure out if I just need more time to sort this out in my head or if I just need to force myself to walk into there.  I know once I walk in those doors there will be no turning back for me. 

I met for my weekly weigh in yesterday and man oh man I am facing some serious hurdles.  I am told that this is normal and better to deal with them now then when I am on maintenance, but that doesn't make them any easier.  I am finding myself having thoughts and the mind frame similar to  the one I had 140 lbs and that is SO scary.  I am terrified of falling back into that mind frame and old habits I have worked so hard to leave behind.  I have to realize that they are not left behind, probably never will be I just have to learn how to redirect them or deal with them.  Food was my drug, like alcohol to a alcoholic, it made me happy,  soothed my pains,  gave me instant gratification.  It was a vicious cycle though, because as you gain weight you get down, say you're going to do better, but get stressed again and treat it with food.  I never EVER want to be that person again.  I have come so far and I have learned SO much about myself it is pretty amazing.  I am strong and I can overcome this, but like now, I will encounter bumps in the road and that is ok.  I have dealt with them all along I can deal with them now.  With all this being said, you can see why it is not just a diet, it is a LIFESTYLE change.  I can NEVER go back to the person I used to be.  I cannot go back to the old thoughts and habits that I had.  I am the new me, I am changing my life,  it is amazing and I am so excited.  I am, for the first time in my life,  Healthy, Truly happy and pushing myself beyond any limits I ever thought I could.  

Why Does It Matter To You If I Get Paid?

I think one of the things that has bothered me and shocked me the most in my journey, is the amount of people so concerned if I am being paid for my commercials.  I have been a bit taken aback by  these questions.  I feel like, why should that even be anyone's concern? I mean we don't ask each other how much we get paid at our job, or if you get paid to teach Sunday School......So why is it so important to know if I am getting paid?  To answer the question that is so important to so many....No, I am not getting paid.  And, I never wanted nor expected to get paid.  To be totally honest, until someone asked me for the first time, I had never even thought about it or expected it!  All that had gone through my head was how many lives I could possibly impact with the people I could reach through my commercial.  Now,  I don't know about you, but no amount of money can replace being the inspiration for people changing their lives.  I have felt led through this journey, to use my struggles and successes to help other people.  It is not about money to me it is just simply about if I can help just one person.....Just ONE person! Just by telling my story, at the end of the day I have succeeded.  Why is this so hard to understand? I simply took a couple of hours out of my life to do this commercial, that is it!!!  It is really sad  I think, that the world we live in is so consumed by money.  I think if everyone would step back and do things because they felt led to or just because it's in their heart, I think this world would be a better place.  To me it is about knowing that what I did was right.  If I get taken advantage of, so be it...That is someone else's problem, not mine, because I did what I thought was right.  It is up to the other person to decide what they do with it....If they do wrong with it or take advantage of it that is on them not me.  (Romans 12:10) I have, for the most part, not let this get to me.  I feel that by writing this now I will be letting it go.  It just really bothers me because I almost feel like people are trying to discredit the good I am trying to do for other people.  I know, I know!  In reality, that's not true, but it is just frustrating.  I am not getting taken advantage of, I am a grown woman and guess what....I Got This!!!  If you see it as dumb or whatever that is your opinion and you are welcome to it...Is this company making money off this commercial?...well yes.  Do I care that I am not making money with them?....No.  Do you understand this?  Probably not and I don't expect you to.  I truly believe that if I do the right things in my life, follow the paths I am being led on, that all the doors I am meant to go through will continue to open and it will all work out the best for me in the end.  What does this mean???  I don't know and I am not meant to know....I strongly believe that everything in life happens for a reason, people are put in your paths for a reason......It is up to you what you do with the people and situations that are put in your path....I am going to continue to follow my heart...I feel that is the right thing to do and I feel that it will lead me to the place that I am meant to be.

It is not about the scale or size..It is about how I feel

I have people tell me everyday..."You are so tiny now.  You're gonna blow away in the wind.  You can't possibly not be through!  You are so tiny"..... Well I am not through.  I still have more to lose....not sure how much because finally,for the first time in my life, it is not about the scale and not about the size of my clothes...This is a HUGE obstacle I have recently overcome.  I want to lose more weight because I am not totally happy with my body, there is still more fat there to lose and I am not going to stop until I am happy with what I see and how I feel...  NO, I am not becoming obsessed and wanting to be too small......It is not about that, I am not wanting unreasonable results and I am not consumed by this.  I want to be the healthiest I can be and happy with my accomplishment and my body.  Yes I have done a lot, I realize that, but to me it is about the finish line... This journey is not complete until I cross that finish line.  I made a promise to myself when I started this journey.....I promised that I would Never ever settle in life ever again and I would NOT settle with this journey.  I have been having HUGE urges to go ahead and be done.  I mean I have lost 140 lbs right....I am in a size 4 pants, a small shirt,  shouldn't I just be happy with that and move on.......Well see it is just not about that.  I couldn't care less what size I am in.  It is about me being happy with me...being happy with my body, knowing that I have done everything in my ability to make me the best I can be.  I know everyone cannot understand this and that is ok.  I know people say "Well goodness you lost 140 lbs isn't that enough, I mean you have changed your life."  This is true.  I have changed my life. B,ut there is ALWAYS room for improvement in everyone's life and I am no exception.  This is the only the beginning of my new life.  This is not a diet it is a lifestyle change.  My weight issues are not gone and will never be gone, I have to continue to make healthy decisions for the rest of my life.  I am scared!  I will not lie.  I have been teeter tottering over the past few weeks at the same weight going up then down then back up...Why... bc I am scared to death of when I finish this of not going back to the person I was 140 lbs ago.  I do NOT want to go there again and I won't, just not an option.  What I have realized in the past few days is that maintaining my weight is NO different than what I am doing right now....So there should be no fear... right... well in a perfect world, no! But in my over-thinking brain I have a lot of fear.  The unknown is scary and that is where I will be going....I am getting there though, I am pushing forward and I will get over this hurdle just like I have gotten over all the ones in the past.  As I say to everyone "I GOT THIS!!!"