I Wouldn't Change A Thing

 I believe that life prepares us for the person that we are to become, it is different, of course for every person, weight just happened to be it for me.  Now, don't get me wrong life has been hard for me I guess some people may look at me and say "Girl you have no idea what hard is", and I get that.  We all have our battles and suffering I think it is just in different ways for all of us,  but I do not necessarily think the pain is any more or less.  I get really emotional writing all this and I have tears in my eyes now.  It is hard to share some of the things with everyone and the pain I have felt.  I have cried many many nights of my life asking God...Why Me? Why Me?   Why can't I just be a normal girl like all those normal girls that are skinny and pretty...Why?  Why can't I just feel that for ONE DAY?  It hurt so much to see all my friends just be happy, fit in and just have no worries....I wanted to be that girl if not just for one day......People now , I know, wonder why I am such a worrier...I don't know any other way to be.  I want to be accepted as hard as that is for me to say....it comes from my past and always wanting  to just be accepted for me...Just me..I always knew I was a good person but so many didn't give me a chance to show them....and that hurts.  I still have this part of me that I carry with me and I am sure always will....I guess it is just another layer that maybe I can one day peel back.  I guess because I have been prejudged my whole life because of my weight makes me worry that once people get to know the real me they won't like me....cause at the end of the day I just want to be liked and loved..don't we all?  Don't we all just want to be accepted for who we are?  I think the people that say they don't care are lying...  I am just me, I am not fake I can't be I just can't.  I am honest, I don't lie.  I can be quiet, loud, and  crazy.  I am  a give my all person, if I am your friend I give you everything I have.  I am selfish and sometimes a spoiled brat.  I love with all my heart probably too much sometimes but that is who I am.  My worst fault is I am sooo impatient and I so wish I could change that.  I am the worlds biggest procrastinator and I hate that about myself.  Sometimes I think I just need reassurance of things you know for someone to just say "Hey its ok...you are you and I accept you no matter what".  Yeah I think that is something we all need to hear sometimes.....

 I have a lot of people tell me that they are sorry for all the pain I have felt, the suffering I have done, the hurt I have felt.  Please, please don't feel sorry for what I have been through or the pain I have suffered through....It has all molded me into the person I am today and if I had it to do all over.....I wouldn't change a thing.  I wouldn't be able to inspire or help the people I am helping if I had not lived through what I have lived through.  So (and you know who you are) stop feeling like you should have spoken up or done more, or that you wished you had known my pain....Don't worry I am good and you know what... I am STRONG because of all of that and it feels amazing!!!!   I am pushing forward and changing my life for the better and doing so many things that I never would have done if I had not gone on this journey.   The paths I have traveled have lead my to where I am today and brought so many amazing people into my life....If my past was different, I may never had met these amazing people.  My pathes continue to bring amazing people in my life everyday.....it is just awesome.   So you see without my journey and the hurdles I have overcome...these people would not be drawn to me or placed in my life and I would miss out on so many things.  It has been a long hard road, a lot of hurt and pain, I will not lie but it has made me who I am today.

Pushing Past My Limits and Comfort Zone

Ok....I have avoided this topic for far too long.  As I have said before, for me when I write it down and share it, it becomes real for me....I become accountable and all those excuses are out there for everyone to see them for what they are EXCUSES!!!!  So I started yesterday with my newest project.  I am training my brain to STOP holding me back in my running.  I am so programmed to already tell myself I have failed before I even start, bc hey the fat girl will never be able to run, much less fas,t right?  My biggest enemy has been and continues to be my brain.  I guess when it has only known one way to work for 36 years it is not just going to change right away.  It stinks...I don't want to feel like this and I don't want people to think I say the things I say just to have them give me more compliments..It really isn't that. I just have always thought I wasn't good enough and never deserved to be happy much less pretty or amazing....It is just so hard to see!!!! I hope one day I can see it. I really do. But right now I am just trying to take it one step at a time.  So I have conquered running, conquered running long distances, so now I have to learn my limits.  I hold back SO BAD!!!  I guess all my life I have held back bc hey if you hold back and don't fail....then you didn't really fail right???  SO WRONG!!!!  That is settling and as I have said before I am NOT SETTLING ANYMORE!!  In any aspect of my life.  Ok so obviously this is easier said than done bc this is a battle I am fighting everyday!  I want to go out there and run until I think I am gonna die...which I won'.t I am not going to die bc I pushed too hard....Now I can sit here and type this all day but when I am out there huffing and puffing on a run I want to quit so bad and my brain tells me I cannot do it and I want to give in so bad!  I realize that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by starting to run so I know I have it in me to do.  I just don't know. I look at other runners (not naming any names) LOLLL.... And I convince myself that when I first started running I was much slower than them and now I still have that mind frame.  I am now A LOT lighter than I was when I started running and in A LOT better shape than I was when I started running and dang it I CAN BE a lot faster!!!!!  I have to push push push..........So  this is my newest hurdle that I WILL OVERCOME!!!!   I will NOT settle on this or anything else in my life.  I have wasted way to much time doing just that and at this point in my life the sky is the limit for me!!!!!  

This Is Me....The Girl I Have Always Been.....

 I unfortunatly care way too much what people think about me.  I guess it comes from a life of being insecure and just wanting to fit in and be liked.  I want people to see me for who I am and like me.  I worry that people won't like the "real me".  I worry WAY too much about peoples acceptance.  I don't want people to confuse who I am with what I used to be.  See I am ME, I haven't changed except on the outside and I don't want people to think I am "all about me"  now.  I am the person I have been for 36 years, I was just trapped behind my weight.  No one really knew the "real me"  bc I kept it hidden, afraid to show confidence, I didn't think I deserved it.  I really hope  people are not  having a hard time accepting the "new me"...and I am a new me, but a BETTER ME.  As for the confident, happy, person that has the confidence to speak out, motivate and inspire people....That has always been me but I never felt I could do it.  I have always been this hard headed, head strong girl, just never had the confidence to step up and take a stand.  Yes I know I take ALOT of pictures of myself now and post them....Not because I think I am "all that", but bc for 36 years of my life I have avoided pictures at all cost!  I hated them and now I don't have a lot of great memories to look back at  bc of that....Also I want lots of pics of my journey bc I want to be able to look back and see every little change I went through to see how much I have accomplished and how much I have overcome.  So I don't want to come accross overbearing or arrogant, I am the furstherest from that....I am worried more about what other people think and their feelings and put my feelings last.  I am not going on tv and doing commercials for me....It is totally NOT about me.  I feel led to help people and try to inspire people.  I want to show people that this ordianry girl, after 36 years of struggling was able to step up and regain control of her life and anyone can do it.  I want to change peoples lives.  It is not about what I have accomplished, how much weight I have lost or how I look.  I am so happy with my accomplishments, amazed and in shock at them actually, and I don't want any attention over it, it is not about me at all.  I am here to tell you if it was only about me I would not have done the commercial or been on the TV shows.  I will not lie I love the compliements I get I think that is just human nature, it makes me feel good bc I don't really see myself as pretty or beautiful....I am still just Lindsay to me...the overweight happy jolly girl.