Wow is all I have to say!

So Saturday night my best friend of over 30 years threw a celebration party in my honor for my weight loss accomplishment.  How awesome is that?  I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have.  It was a great party good times, good company and I am so lucky to have her in my life.  She has been that ONE person that has never judged me or treated me different bc of my weight.  She has always been there for me and has seen the person that I have always been on the inside!  Having a good time and going to that party was a huge step for me.  I have been avoiding most social situations for most of my life bc of my weight.  So to have a party thrown for me....yeah I tried to back out but she wouldn't let me!

It is funny how our brains work.  I have a hard time of making people understand that when I look in the mirror I do not look different that i did 132lbs heavier.  I can even look at past photos and I don't see the difference.  I am told that it will come, that I will later on to be able to see the difference.  I guess it is no different then when I looked in the mirror when i was overweight and didn't see myself being that big, because if I did I would have made a change a long time ago.  The same goes for everyday when I simply step into my pants.  I look at them as I put my first foot into the leg thinking.....I cannot possibly fit into pants this small there is NO way, but I do.  I hold them up and think OMG I cannot fit into something this small, or a shirt this small.  It is funny how our brain works and still sees things the way they used to be. 

This whole journey feels so unreal to me.  All the hurdles I have crossed and accomplishments I have made all feel like a dream.  I have a hard time with the compliments and the people saying I inspire them, because it is all so overwhelming at times.  I will be quit honest too it can feel like a huge responsibilty also.  I was the girl that sat in the farthest corner out of sight never speaking up to being an inspiration to people!  Wow!   At the end of the day, I am just me. 

One of the most common questions I get from people is "what about all the extra skin?".  Well as of right now I don't really have much.  It is going away a little everyday  and to be quite honest in the end I will not have any because it is just NOT an option bc I Will Not Settle.  When you lose it slowly and not drastically your skin has time to catch up with the wieghtloss, not to mention running tones up my muscles and tightens my skin.  And to be totally honest if you don't lose that weight you have all that skin with the fat in it so wouldn't you rather be healthy and thin and a little extra skin if it doesn't tighten up?  The facts are if you will do it the right way and work out and excercise it is not a problem. 

I am amazed everyday the people God is placing in my path that need me.  It is amazing and I just cannot wait to see when this road will lead me.  Everyday it is someone new it is just crazy!!!!!  Wow is all I can say

If you love them you have to support them!!!

I CANNOT emphasize how important it is that if you know someone that is overweight, to never ever pressure them or get disappointed in them or say anything to them about being overweight.  They have a mirror, they have a scale they put the food in their mouth.  They got it loud and clear from their own brain everyday of their life that they need to make a change.  If you love this person you need to BACK AWAY and support whatever they are going through.  If they are making excuses and struggling just be there for them and listen.  I know it is so frustrating but you have to realize this is not about YOUR feelings and thoughts, it is about theirs.  Everytime you tell them you are worried or you want them to better their life or you want them to be healthier, you are HURTING them with all those words.  You make them once again turn to food.  I know, I know, you don't want to do that, but you are and it is a bad cycle.  You need to pray for them and that is all you can do.  Support them in anything they do and DO NOT enable them.  If you are family, have healthier food, not tempting food at gatherings.  Everyone eat healthier and lead them by example, don't make a big deal out of it just do it.  It might take this person days, weeks, months or even years to get to the point that they are ready to change their life.  That is ok!!!!  Don't be disgusted with them, they have enough discust for the whole world everyday of their life.  It took me 36 YEARS to finally take that step!  THIRTY SIX YEARS PEOPLE!!!! So please, please be patient and don't judge someone, just because weightloss and exercise are easy for you doesn't mean it is easy for someone else.  Just because you can say, "Hey that is not good for me I am not going to eat that", doesn't mean it is that way for them.  For many many of us food is a total addiction.  It brings pleasure to us and we don't think about the horrible things it does to us in the end.  Instant gratification is all our brain lets us think about.  It is our drug.  Just like a drug addict or alcoholic, we crave it and love it.  The difference is, there is no way away from it.  We need food to survive we have to eat, it is always there and will always be.  So, we have to find total control over it.  We cannot ask people to not eat because it is tempting, we have to find control of that temptation. 

People feel sorry for us when we are trying to eat right.  They will say, "Oh I am sorry you cannot have this, I feel guilty for eating it in front of you.  Don't you want to take just one bite just to taste it?".  NO I do not and stop feeling sorry for me!!!!   I have lost 132lbs, I am a runner and I feel great!!!!  Get over it!!!!!  I GOT THIS!!!!!!! 
We live in the South and it is hard to control the situations we are in involving food because every social situation we have revolves around food.  You can do it, you can control it but if it is too hard and you are worried of how you would react DON'T GO.  If people cannot understand that then that is their problem not yours.  Only go out to places that offer something you can eat.  Don't set yourself up for failure because at the end of the day you are your NUMBER ONE supporter!   You cannot depend on everyone else to not tempt you, you have to make sure you do not put yourself in a position to be tempted!!!!

All I ask if you are someone that knows someone who is overweight and struggles, please don't give them your opinion.  It is kinda like that quote I keep seeing that says "Don't judge someone, you don't know they road they have been given to travel".  Well this is the same, you have no idea the struggles they go through everyday even just to get up out of the bed and face the world.  Anyone who is overweight and says they are ok with it and makes jokes about their weight are LIARS!! They are trying to hide that hurt, but trust me it is there.  They are more than likely dying on the inside and screaming for help, but just don't know how to ask for it.  For me admitting all this made it REAL!!!  If I didn't tell anyone about it, it wasn't real.  Well it is and it is completely and totally freeing to let it out! 

I hope you enjoy my blog and I want to reach out to ANYONE with these struggles.  If you are the person with the weight problem or the loved one who is worried about the overweight person, I am always here and I am glad to help anyway I can.  You can PM me on facebook or you can email me at linmiller94@yahoo.com.  I will be glad to help anyone I can with any of these struggles.  I will say it again like I have said on here before, if there had been someone to reach out to me several years ago I could have possibly changed my life before now.  With that being said I feel like it is my calling to help anyone I can through these struggles. 

:)

I never liked Skinny People!!

I will not lie, I have never liked skinny people.  In my eyes they had it so easy and never had any problems with their weight.  What I have realized now is I have never been more wrong.  They unlike me have chosen to eat the right things and exercise and work to keep control over their weight.  If they had eaten the things I had all those years they would be right where I was.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  I wanted to be pitiful and blame someone NOT myself.  But in the end, I was the only one to blame.  I was the one that chose to eat wrong and not take control of my life.  


As I was talking with someone last night that wants to lose weight, I realized why I am writing this blog.  It for one is an outlet for all these thoughts in my head, but at the same time I want to change lives.  I realized last night as it came out of my mouth that I want to be That  someone  I never had that person that could have stepped up and said, "let me tell you my story".  I truly feel like if I could have seen someone just like me that has been where I have been and conquered this demon, they would have inspired me.  With that being said I am making it my goal to be there for ANYONE that needs me.  So many paths have been opened for me in the past year that sometimes I just sit back and say "Hold on, let me take a breath",  because it is so unbelievable.  I have had a hard time understanding how I can be someone's inspiration when I am just losing weight, something I have put off for my whole life.    


You know it is so funny where life takes us and how the roads change.  Just three years ago I was a very unhappy person.  Not just with my weight but in my life completely.  As I look back over that time I realized it was because I was settling in every aspect of my life.  I still struggle with this daily.  My mind is still somewhat stuck in the way it used to work.  I have a hard time believing that I deserve to be happy because I have never TRULY been.  My weight controlled that for me and I let it.  As I look back I realize that I used my weight as a crutch.  "They didn't like me, I didn't fit in with that crowd, No one likes me".....this is what my brain told me and the reason for all of this was?....MY WEIGHT.  If someone didn't like me it was because of my weight.  If someone was rude it was because of my weight, and why not?   I disgusted myself, so I must disgust them!  

I struggle EVERYDAY with my mind and my confidence and all other aspects of my life, who doesn't?  It will never be easy street, but that is ok.  People say things and look at me in their judgemental way and say "Well now comes the hard part, to keep it off and not gain it back".  NOT AN OPTION!!!!!  Just not going to happen.   I have changed my life I will have to work at this for the rest of my life and SO WHAT!!!  I have to work at everything else in my life that I wanted to succeed at, so why is this any different?  That is fine, these people can sit back and judge and wait on me to gain it back......They will be waiting and waiting because I hate to let them down but it isn't going to happen.  I get it though, I will not lie when I was at low points in my life with my weight I HATED to see someone else succeed, HATED it, because I couldn't understand why they could do it and I couldn't.  I can admit this personality flaw and I know a lot of other people feel that way too, we are human!  I also know that when someone would try to push me to lose weight, or tell me "Lindsay I thought you were on a diet you don't need to eat that", they didn't realize by saying those few words my brain said "Well I'll show you, I will not only eat that but I will eat anything I want!!"  Showed them didn't I?  Showed them a whole lot by failing once again.  What people that are like that don't understand is they need to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!!!!  If they want to help someone that needs to lose weight just be there for them, listen to their excuses and just support them all you can, they will get there one day but it has to be THEIR idea and when they are there they are THERE and the sky is the limit!!!!


I have so many doors opening to me right now I don't even know what is up and what is down.  I do know that I am on the path I am supposed to be on and I am ready for this new chapter in my life.  This is it, my moment and I am ready.  


I realize now that I have had my struggles, fought my battles and succeeded at so much because this is where God wants me to be.  He has and is still molding me to become something so much more then my mind can even fathom.  I am so thankful for HIM!!!!  So many wonderful people have been hand picked and placed in my life and WOW it is AWESOME!!!!!!  Everyday is a new beginning for me and I cannot wait to see where tomorrow takes me!!!  Thank you for reading my random thoughts, these are straight from my heart and I hope everyone at least takes one small thing from reading them, if you do I have succeeded TODAY!!!!!!

Here I go!!!!

I would love to tell you that I had this huge sign or something that told me that was the day I would take the final step to change my life, but that would be untrue.  Anyone who knows me knows that  I completely over think everything!!!  I am a bit ocd too.  It is really, really bad.  So when I seem to say"OK I am doing this",  there was no thought put into it.  You better believe there was months of going back and forth.  I probably kept them all to myself but they were there and when I make that decision, it is done.  I made a phone call that day that changed my life.  I truly believe that God put this person on the other end of that call when I needed her the most.  I made an appointment and when I went to meet with her the next day there was no turning back.  I was doing this and I was doing this today!  It was hard, I will not lie.  But does anything in this world, good or bad, ever come easy?  Is something that is going to change your life forever not worth some struggles?  Everyone wants an easy fix, I do too.  But you know where easy fixes got me?  They got me to the heaviest and saddest point in my life...waiting on the miracle thing to do it for me.  There is no miracle that will do this for you;  no surgery that will make this easy.  Even if you get the gastric surgeries you still have to eat right for the rest of your life.  So I made the first huge step to take over my life and I was scared to DEATH.  What if I fail?  Why do I deserve to succeed?  It went on and on.  I sucked it up and went with it.   There were times when I wanted to just give up, but i didn't want to go back to the misery I felt before.  At first, I didn't want to exercise.  It made me angry that someone was going to tell me you have to exercise.  It has to be my idea.  So my counselor said "Lindsay, you don't have to exercise."  That next week I downloaded couch to 5k on my iPhone and decided if everyone else can run then so can I.  I started out running 60 seconds at a time, SIXTY SECONDS...and thought I was gonna DIE!!!!!I thought "OK,  never mind I can never do this", but I didn't give up because  for once in my life I did not want to settle for the things I could not do.  I have limited my life SO much because of my weight.  No water parks BC you do NOT want to walk around in a swim suit.  No amusement parks because OMG if you can't fit into the seat how horrible would that be?  My first week I lost 10lbs, TEN POUNDS wow!  One of the first things I learned on my first week was how horribly wrong I had been trying to lose weight.  I had been trying to starve myself which made me miserable and made me NOT lose weight.  Our society is so wrong!  You go to a restaurant and you order light food... they give you half the portion you need.   YOU NEED TO EAT TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!  I am eating more now than I thought I ever would, but it is all about eating the right things and from the right food groups.  It makes me so angry that we all are so warped that we think to lose weight that you have to starve yourself and who in the world would want to do that????  It isn't like that.  I eat 4 to 6 ounces of meat in a meal and three servings of vegetables That is a lot of food and that is just one of the 6 meals I eat per day.  

As of today, July 23, 2012 I have lost 132.3lbs.  I am 12lbs away from my goal weight! I am down 8 pants sizes to a  size 6 pants and down from a 2x shirt to a small shirt.  AMAZING!!!!  Never, and I mean never,  did I think that I could ever be an "average" weight, and actually I am not totally sure what weight I need to be in  the end because I have never been this small  in my Life!  I am now running 3 miles 2 days a week and right now I am at 6 miles one day and week and increasing it by 1/2 mile a week training for a 1/2 marathon!   Me,  Lindsay,  Miss "I will never get up early to exercise that will never happen" is getting up at 4:30am to RUN!!!!!  And the best part about it... I LOVE IT!!!  I feel so accomplished and feel like I can do anything after a run.  I have always settled and told myself I couldn't do so many things and for the first time in my life, I am pushing myself,  and it feels AMAZING!!!  The sky is the limit and I plan to keep pushing.  


My point to this blog for one is to get my thoughts out into words but just as much I hope that someone reads this and says "wow if she can do this,  I can".  Because, let me tell you,  you can.  I am just your average everyday person that always settled and always held back, so if I can do this then believe me anyone can!!!!!!  I want to inspire people.   I want to change lives.  I want to help people find themselves and uncover that amazing person that is underneath all of those layers.  


Of course, I have not done this alone by any means!  The Good Lord Above has been my strength and my rock through this entire journey.   We had many heart to heart talks when I wanted to give up especially on my runs.  I would just breathe and pray and breathe and pray for him to give me the strength to run just a little longer.  God  has gotten me through this and HE is opening so many doors  for my future and I truly believe that he has been grooming me my entire life for this moment!!!  I always was lost and worried when people would talk about their spiritual gift...I get it now, this is mine.  I have to remind myself that it is all in His time not mine.  I have also been surrounded by very supportive and strong people that have pulled me through this in my life.  You people know who you are and you know that without you this journey would not have been possible.  I will never be able to Thank all of you enough for all you have done for me throughout this journey. 

The beginning

So I guess I will begin this with a little about myself.  I am 36 years old and have been overweight my entire life.. I mean that there is not a time even as a child that I can remember that weight was not an issue with me. It completely and totally consumed every thought and every aspect of my life.  I could not walk across a parking lot, sit on the couch or sleep without my head spinning out of control about my weight.  I was a very unhappy person, but the more weight I put on the farther the possibility of losing it became until I eventually thought I could never ever do it.  I tried dieting and I did the "well I will start next Monday" about every week of my life...I guess it made me feel like if I at least said it people wouldn't judge too bad.  I hated going out to eat because I felt like everyone judged me by what I would eat.  Even if I was eating healthy I would feel they were like yeah right you will never accomplish that.  I  realize that yes the world is cold and cruel about weight.  Most people will never know the impact one small pass by comment can damage someone.  It all started for me in Middle School.  I knew I was overweight but no one ever said it and Hey if you don't talk about it, it isn't real right?  Well that one day someone a boy of all things called me fat it was the most mortifying thing I had ever dealt with in front of all my peers.  I was always strong willed hard headed stood up for what I believed in and when someone did wrong...That day when I stood up this person called me fat and from that day on I never stood up anymore...for fear of being called fat again.  It was the first of many scars that would come to cover many many layers of the person I have become.  I over time turned into myself internally speaking if I don't stand out if I am quiet enough if I sit in the back of the room where no one will see me then they won't have a chance to call me fat.  I always had a love for animals but I think in this time in my life they were my escape.  I started volunteering at a veterinary clinic.  See the thing about animals is they don't judge you...they love you unconditionally and they didn't see me as awkward and fat they just loved me for me.  Food was and is an addiction for me.  It gives you instant gratification and you don't see the damage it does until later so you don't think about it as you eat and it comforted me.  It tasted so good and made me feel good at the time.  I was always the happy jolly girl you know "Lindsay is so happy so Jolly always laughing"  no I was a good actor I was dying on the inside.  I have learned more about myself in the past year then I have in my entire 36 years of life.  I have and still am peeling layers and layers of scars from myself everyday.  What I am uncovering is completely amazing!!!!  I am an amazing person and I never knew it!!!  I have strength and drive and have realized that I can inspire people to change their lives!!!  Me Lindsay the overweight scared girl changing lives.....YES  I am and NO ONE can take that away from me!!!!!  I am alive, I am healthy and I am so HAPPY...Truly Happy for the first time in my life.  It has been amazing and I want to shout it to the world...If i can do it ANYONE can and I want everyone to.  No one needs or wants to live the life I was living and I want to help people know you are worth it!!!!!!!!