Ok So Not Every Job is For Me......

Ok some of you will find this funny like me, and maybe some of you not..... I get myself into the stickiest situations I SWEAR!!!!!!!  I have a family friend, she is kind of like a second mom and grandmother to my kids...love her dearly.  Well she owns a courier service, you know like driving and picking up lab samples, mail, etc and delivering it to the lab or whereever it is going. Well...brilliant here had this great idea that I could do some work for her until my other job came available....Now...if you know me very well you know I could get lost in a freaking shoe box.....  I can have directions...really good ones and still screw it up and get lost......Now what made me think I can deliver stuff to places I know nothing about... UGHHHH.. So I ride with her all day on Friday with her spitting out directions all day(like I will remember any of them) and I swear I was having a internal panic attack the whole day OMMMMGGGG....  I came home and had a migraine!!!!  So I had agreed to do these two runs this weekend...Not knowing wheere I was going...Needless to say I drug poor Mike out of bed at 6am yesterday and today...Oh he was thrilled.. he had to gps it for me..when in the hopsital I would turn down the wrong hall....LOLLLLL on the way out, I mean I had just walked down that hall 5 minutes earlier and I couldn't remember which way to go LOLLL That is how bad I am....And also one of the runs would require me to go to Princeton Hospital off of Archadelphia Rd... If you are not familiar with this area...well let's just say a young girl has NO business being on that side of town alone after dark....So after doing this for TWO whole days I had to tell her it's just not for me!!!  Haha I feel like such a loser lolllll...Oh well I am just going to stay at home and be a mom for now...Hopefully Medifast will need me soon, if not that is fine...I need some time to just be a mom and get my house in order, I am totally ok with this.  I probably have enough to do to keep me busy for months!! lol  Sooooo I have discovered that not everything out there is for me LOLL  I hope this doesnt happen to me anymore.....I may have to go back to this career.  I am keeping my license and that is a good thing... I may have to stay in this field ughhhh.....  But I think I will be ok... I think Medifast is going to work out it just may be later rather than sooner and after this little fiasco.....I will just wait for it LOLLLLLL...

Letting Things Go

Ok I know I am blogging a ton here lately.  Well for one I don't feel good, so I am just laying around so I have a lot of time to think and two I have been thinking and reflecting a lot over the past two weeks with all the changes in my life.  I have realized through this thinking that there are a few things in my life that were consuming me and I let go of them, but one has snuck back in and I need to deal with it. You know it is funny I have to say though, when I get down I tend to pull away and hide away from the world, I avoid talking and seeing anyone as much as I normally would.  You realize who, in your life really cares.  Like the ones that notice this and reach out to me to help me muck through this and tell me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it and move on and make me realize things could be so much worse!!! Or remind me that this is not a bad thing but a wonderful thing and change is not bad.   Then there are the people that you realize don't care as much as you thought..because they don't even realize or care you are having a hard time...kinda sad and yes it hurts...bc what they are not realizing is that right now I need them more than ever, that just a simple "How are you?  You doing ok?"  can make me feel better knowing that they are thinking about me and care....Anyway moving on...
What I need to deal with is someone from my past.  Probably the most manipulative person I have ever met.  They are really good, so good that after causing me so much pain and hurt, they appeared back into my life and fooled me AGAIN!!!!!  Now I have to say it is fine I don't regret it bc in my heart I truly thought they had changed, and so wanted it to be true but it wasn't.  They basically came to me saying they wanted to lose weight that they were so miserable and just needed someone to help them and inspire them and blah blah blah.  I took time to present Advocare to this person as I felt it was a better fit over Medifast. Oh they were so grateful and interested and so happy and they were gonna do this blah blah blah......It was all a LIE and I fell for it again.  It was just their way of sticking their nose into my life, got me to tell them how its been and how I lost my weight so they could go back and gossip about me to all the others that wanted to know.  You know what AWESOME!!!  I have nothing to hide I let go of all that a long time ago and now I have to let go of this one little hiccup, they do not deserve a second more of my time.  I guess I should feel honored that I am so interesting to them that they have do conglomerate a story to get all their information....Sad very sad.  I am sad for this person, I was hoping they had changed but they haven't.  I was so mad at myself at first for falling for their lies again, but then I thought...."No I was nice, I had good intentions and they are the one that was wrong not me, and they have to live with that."  I have a huge heart and I trust WAY to easily.  I want to see the good in everyone and try to find that tiny piece if it is there.  It gets me hurt a lot but that is ok bc I had good intentions and only wanted the best and if someone takes advantage of that the Shame On YOU!!!!  So with this blog I am letting the rest of my frustration of this person go...this is it no more thoughts.  I know now that if they come back into my life again to just walk away it just isn't worth the frustration and at some point I just have to protect myself.

Today I Ended a Chapter In My Life

As many of you know I mentioned some huge changes that were about to occur in my life.  Well today was the day that started these changes.  Today I ended the only career I have every known.  Since I was a little girl I have had a huge love for animals and always wanted to be a veterinarian.  I started volunteering at a veterinary clinic when I was 14.  When I graduated high school I went to college majoring in pre-vet.  Well after 2 years I decided that I didn't want to go to school for that many years so I transferred to a veterinary technician program that was a two year program.  I didn't want to live in this horribly small town, so I drove 1hr 45minutes one way to school 5 days a week.  I have told you before I am dedicated and when I commit, you got me 150%.  I did this for 2 years and I mean my school was from 745am to 4pm every day....It was hard very tedious and time consuming but I did it and finished and passed my national boards to get my license.  I worked at a clinic and then got a call from the veterinarian that I had worked for since I was 14.  I went back to work for him and stayed with him for 8 more years.  I left there 4 years ago almost to the day with one of the Dr's that worked there.  She went on to open her own clinic that I helped her start up.  So you see this has been my complete passion nearly my whole life.  Over the past 10 years I have developed a very close, special and dear friendship with this person.  I am not the same person I was 4 years ago and as I have said before, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.  I believe we were put together for these four years for a reason...I'm not totally clear on all the reasons but I do know one thing...She has been my rock during my weight loss journey.  She has been by my side the entire time cheering me on....Listening to my fears, struggles, ups and downs.  You get really close when you are together more than you are at home most days! lol  Neither one of us are the same .  The past year and half have been life changing for me and my thoughts and passions and so many other things have changed in my life.  I have realized that my passion for my career has fizzled out over time.  I cannot give 150% if my passion is not there, so in saying that I have realized that it is time for me to close this door.  WOW....I am 36 years old....what in the world am I supposed to do now..this is literally the only thing I have ever known or done...  Well, I have realized through my journey that my passion has changed.  I have discovered so much about myself this past year and have realized that my passion is to help people now.  I truly feel in my heart that I am meant to help people change their lives like I did.  I believe I have traveled these roads in my life to prepare me for this very moment.  I am Scared to death....  This is a huge change for me I am literally starting over from scratch and that is scary as crap lol  But I am following my heart and doing what I feel led to do.  Now in saying all this, back to my reason for writing this.  I am very sad today..not because of my decision, but because I won't see my best friend everyday and have her there to talk about all our problems and share our joys together.  I am going to miss that horribly and that is hard to take right now.  I know, I know this is the best for both of us and we are doing what we are meant to do, but no one ever said it would be easy.  Its just a hard change, I  mean when you spend 8 hours a day with someone and then one day that is gone, it stinks LOL  I know I know we can still be friends it is just a big change and it is scary but I know deep in my heart it is right so I am following it.  I said way back in one of my first posts on here that I turned to animals bc they didn't judge my weight....well now I don't need that...I am strong now and there are people out there that are where I was and they need me.  So it is time for me to go help people change their lives and I am excited...scared but excited.  So today was bittersweet....it was the end to a wonderful career and experiences that I would not change one second for anything.  I still have my love for animals but I am ready to give all my love to my babies... I am ready to just be a dog owner not a technician.  Today has been hard I have shed alot of tears but I know it is the right thing to do..I will be ok it is almost like I am grieving a loss and I guess it is somewhat like that.  I will take my time and then I will be over it, that is how I am.  I will be ready to face the world and start my new path! 

To Jennifer, I love you with all my heart!  Thank you for being the amazing Godly woman you are.  You have made me see that I am amazing too and helped me love myself.  You have listened to all my problems and always supported me no matter what.  I truly believe we do share a brain LOLLLLLL  We are so much alike and I swear I have never had someone I can tell all my thoughts to without them thinking I am crazy. LOL We totally get each other and that is awesome.  I feel like our friendship will only grow now bc there will not be the pressure and stress of also being my boss and I cannot wait what God has in store for us!!!!

I Don't Like Change!!!!!

For any of you who know me very well know how much I hate change.  I mean that I avoid it in any way possible most of the time.  I know losing weight was a change but it was gradual over a long period of time so I had time to adjust to it.  I have some Huge life changing things that are about to happen in my life and I am scared to death.  I know that they are totally meant to be and are going to put me where I am supposed to be, but I am still scared.  A lot has happened over the past two weeks.  I cannot go into great detail what it is just that there are some major opportunities that are opening up for me.  Ok, some of you will think this part is dumb, and that is fine just stop reading now if you don't understand my love for animals. LOL  Today I am spaying Eva my last breeding girl, and neutering Emmitt, my last breeding boy.  I am closing the door to my breeding of longhaired dachshunds and it is bittersweet.  These wonderful dogs were brought into my life 12 years ago almost to the day.  I started out with my two boys Patch and Charlie and I fell in love.  I started breeding bc I wanted other people to enjoy the love these dogs brought into my life.  I have raised some wonderful puppies,  found them all amazing homes, and met so many great people that I would have never met if it hadn't have been for these dogs.  So you see, this is a big deal to me.  I will miss the little puppy whines, the little feet,  the puppy breath and the puppy love and kisses that can make the worst of days brighter with just one kiss:).  I took pride in raising wonderful family pets even shipped them all over the US and my children share the love for dogs just like me bc of it. So all my babies yes 12 dachshunds.....Will be living out their life with us just being dogs....they've always been pets to us.  

So I am now looking at all this as just like my weight loss....paths I was meant to go down to make me who I am today.  If these changes had taken place 4 years ago the outcome would be so different because I was a different person and not as strong and confident as I am today.  So I truly believe everything happens for a reason in life.  It may not feel like it and it may not always be clear but it does. I have done the things I have done for the past 4 years to prepare me to do the things I am about to do in my life.  Closing doors in life are emotional and scary but I truly believe that when God closes one door He always opens another.  You have to be the one to make the decision if you are going to walk out that door and into a new one.  So I am doing it! I am taking that leap of faith.  I told everyone I was not settling anymore in life, so I'm not.  I am going after it!  Seeing where it will take me and I hope it will put me where I am supposed to be.....I feel in my heart it is the right thing to do.  What is scary is that I have a peace about it. So now I am stressing bc I am not stressing about it LOL.  It is hard and it is a huge deal but I feel it is right and where I am being led to go...and at the end of the day that is what matters the most right?
So a new year, a Completely new me.....Literally... I like the sound of that.  Bring on 2013...  I am READY!!!!

Something I Never Thought I Would Be Able To Say

So, for the first time in my life I can say I am not trying to lose weight.....WHAT?!?  Like seriously?!?  Yes I am dead serious, it is completely crazy!  For the first time in 36 years of my life I can say that I am not dieting I am simply eating right to maintain my current weight.  Wow!  It feels amazing and to be quite honest a bit unreal.  Last Wednesday, December 5th I met my weight loss goal and started on the maintenance faze of my journey. Now, let me explain I am still eating right and watching what I eat.  This was and is a lifestyle change and it will never be the way it used to be EVER!!!!  I will, for the rest of my life, have to eat right and exercise and that is fine.  I want to continue to be healthy and exercise.  I do NOT want to go back to that person I was.  I am so happy it is crazy!!!  When I started this journey I have to say I never ever thought that I would be where I am today.  I never looked ahead I just knew that I had to do it.  See, I am that person that hopes for the best and expects the worst.  I guess it comes from always letting myself down with my weight my whole life.  And yes people treated me different my whole life, people always let me down it seemed most times just inevitable.  If you have never been overweight you can't understand, but people treat you different.  It seems almost as though they think you don't feel or have feelings.  Maybe they think since you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself, then you don't deserve love...I don't know but that is the sad truth.  In my head I am still that same girl, so I expect people to always let me down.  That is something I am working on and will continue to battle.  See the thing is to me, if I expect you to hurt me or let me down then when you don't, it is a pleasant surprise, but if you do I am not let down bc I really expected it in the first place.  I know, I know a totally messed up way of thinking but have you read my past posts????  I am a bit messed up LOLLLL  

Here is my huge announcement and don't fall out of you chairs...... I am going to New York City next month to visit my BFF...... For those of you who don't know me well, this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE thing for me.  I used to not go ANYWHERE alone.  Like if you were to meet me somewhere to go out, I would wait in my car til you go there to go in.  It was my weight and lack of confidence, I just couldn't do anything alone, it was sad.  So you see, I am sure this is why so many people have a hard time dealing with this confident independent person I have become bc I was sooo far from this not long ago.  What I want people to understand is be happy for me!!!  I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  Don't be afraid of my change, embrace it bc this is who I am and who I will always be!  So back to the NYC talk.  Sorry I can be a bit ADD sometimes LOLL Squirrel LOLLLL  I am going to fly there and OMG this scares me a bit but I am going to do it....Ride in a cab to her place alone!   LOLLLL  Oh Lord this is probably going to be a hoot.  This country girl going to the city LOL I will be in culture shock hahaha.  But that is fine I cannot WAIT!!!!!  So you see, if this had been the person I was a year ago I would have come up with every excuse to not go and convinced her and myself that I really didn't want to go do that.  So this is HUGE for me and I cannot wait!!!!  We are going to have so much fun and I am so glad I get to experience it which my oldest and dearest friend!!!!  YAY ME  

Will I Ever Join The Gym????

As I have said before, I usually over think everything and obsess over it too.  Before I took the step to start losing weight I thought it over for a very long time.  I went over and over it in my head before I made that step.  Now, once I make up my mind, there is no turning back.  Right now my mind is consumed with joining a gym and I am so ready to take that  step!  I am scared to death to make the final step of  walking into a gym!!!!! I guess in my mind, I am still that overweight girl and I just know when I walk in everyone is going to be staring at me and judging me...I know, silly, but it's me.  I am just scared of walking in there and being overwhelmed and not know what in the world to do.  I have been in a gym before, but that was a very long time ago.  It was very small, it was a 24 hour gym and I went late at night so no one would be there when I went.  I feel like if I can hurry up and make this step that this will get me over this last hurdle in my weight loss.  I know for sure it will make me feel better and will continue to tone up my body.  Part of me is so ready for the gym.  I mean, really ready!  I am ready to feel the burn of the weights and to be sore the next day... It is so rewarding pushing your body to those limits.  And the soreness that you feel the next day just shows you how much you accomplished.  Then, when I start to see the muscles I am building!  Ahhhh, I cannot wait.  So now, I have to figure out what is this last little hurdle that is holding me back... and how do I overcome it?  I have to figure out what is the other part's problem lol.  I need to figure out if I just need more time to sort this out in my head or if I just need to force myself to walk into there.  I know once I walk in those doors there will be no turning back for me. 

I met for my weekly weigh in yesterday and man oh man I am facing some serious hurdles.  I am told that this is normal and better to deal with them now then when I am on maintenance, but that doesn't make them any easier.  I am finding myself having thoughts and the mind frame similar to  the one I had 140 lbs and that is SO scary.  I am terrified of falling back into that mind frame and old habits I have worked so hard to leave behind.  I have to realize that they are not left behind, probably never will be I just have to learn how to redirect them or deal with them.  Food was my drug, like alcohol to a alcoholic, it made me happy,  soothed my pains,  gave me instant gratification.  It was a vicious cycle though, because as you gain weight you get down, say you're going to do better, but get stressed again and treat it with food.  I never EVER want to be that person again.  I have come so far and I have learned SO much about myself it is pretty amazing.  I am strong and I can overcome this, but like now, I will encounter bumps in the road and that is ok.  I have dealt with them all along I can deal with them now.  With all this being said, you can see why it is not just a diet, it is a LIFESTYLE change.  I can NEVER go back to the person I used to be.  I cannot go back to the old thoughts and habits that I had.  I am the new me, I am changing my life,  it is amazing and I am so excited.  I am, for the first time in my life,  Healthy, Truly happy and pushing myself beyond any limits I ever thought I could.  

Why Does It Matter To You If I Get Paid?

I think one of the things that has bothered me and shocked me the most in my journey, is the amount of people so concerned if I am being paid for my commercials.  I have been a bit taken aback by  these questions.  I feel like, why should that even be anyone's concern? I mean we don't ask each other how much we get paid at our job, or if you get paid to teach Sunday School......So why is it so important to know if I am getting paid?  To answer the question that is so important to so many....No, I am not getting paid.  And, I never wanted nor expected to get paid.  To be totally honest, until someone asked me for the first time, I had never even thought about it or expected it!  All that had gone through my head was how many lives I could possibly impact with the people I could reach through my commercial.  Now,  I don't know about you, but no amount of money can replace being the inspiration for people changing their lives.  I have felt led through this journey, to use my struggles and successes to help other people.  It is not about money to me it is just simply about if I can help just one person.....Just ONE person! Just by telling my story, at the end of the day I have succeeded.  Why is this so hard to understand? I simply took a couple of hours out of my life to do this commercial, that is it!!!  It is really sad  I think, that the world we live in is so consumed by money.  I think if everyone would step back and do things because they felt led to or just because it's in their heart, I think this world would be a better place.  To me it is about knowing that what I did was right.  If I get taken advantage of, so be it...That is someone else's problem, not mine, because I did what I thought was right.  It is up to the other person to decide what they do with it....If they do wrong with it or take advantage of it that is on them not me.  (Romans 12:10) I have, for the most part, not let this get to me.  I feel that by writing this now I will be letting it go.  It just really bothers me because I almost feel like people are trying to discredit the good I am trying to do for other people.  I know, I know!  In reality, that's not true, but it is just frustrating.  I am not getting taken advantage of, I am a grown woman and guess what....I Got This!!!  If you see it as dumb or whatever that is your opinion and you are welcome to it...Is this company making money off this commercial?...well yes.  Do I care that I am not making money with them?....No.  Do you understand this?  Probably not and I don't expect you to.  I truly believe that if I do the right things in my life, follow the paths I am being led on, that all the doors I am meant to go through will continue to open and it will all work out the best for me in the end.  What does this mean???  I don't know and I am not meant to know....I strongly believe that everything in life happens for a reason, people are put in your paths for a reason......It is up to you what you do with the people and situations that are put in your path....I am going to continue to follow my heart...I feel that is the right thing to do and I feel that it will lead me to the place that I am meant to be.

It is not about the scale or size..It is about how I feel

I have people tell me everyday..."You are so tiny now.  You're gonna blow away in the wind.  You can't possibly not be through!  You are so tiny"..... Well I am not through.  I still have more to lose....not sure how much because finally,for the first time in my life, it is not about the scale and not about the size of my clothes...This is a HUGE obstacle I have recently overcome.  I want to lose more weight because I am not totally happy with my body, there is still more fat there to lose and I am not going to stop until I am happy with what I see and how I feel...  NO, I am not becoming obsessed and wanting to be too small......It is not about that, I am not wanting unreasonable results and I am not consumed by this.  I want to be the healthiest I can be and happy with my accomplishment and my body.  Yes I have done a lot, I realize that, but to me it is about the finish line... This journey is not complete until I cross that finish line.  I made a promise to myself when I started this journey.....I promised that I would Never ever settle in life ever again and I would NOT settle with this journey.  I have been having HUGE urges to go ahead and be done.  I mean I have lost 140 lbs right....I am in a size 4 pants, a small shirt,  shouldn't I just be happy with that and move on.......Well see it is just not about that.  I couldn't care less what size I am in.  It is about me being happy with me...being happy with my body, knowing that I have done everything in my ability to make me the best I can be.  I know everyone cannot understand this and that is ok.  I know people say "Well goodness you lost 140 lbs isn't that enough, I mean you have changed your life."  This is true.  I have changed my life. B,ut there is ALWAYS room for improvement in everyone's life and I am no exception.  This is the only the beginning of my new life.  This is not a diet it is a lifestyle change.  My weight issues are not gone and will never be gone, I have to continue to make healthy decisions for the rest of my life.  I am scared!  I will not lie.  I have been teeter tottering over the past few weeks at the same weight going up then down then back up...Why... bc I am scared to death of when I finish this of not going back to the person I was 140 lbs ago.  I do NOT want to go there again and I won't, just not an option.  What I have realized in the past few days is that maintaining my weight is NO different than what I am doing right now....So there should be no fear... right... well in a perfect world, no! But in my over-thinking brain I have a lot of fear.  The unknown is scary and that is where I will be going....I am getting there though, I am pushing forward and I will get over this hurdle just like I have gotten over all the ones in the past.  As I say to everyone "I GOT THIS!!!"

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

 I believe that life prepares us for the person that we are to become, it is different, of course for every person, weight just happened to be it for me.  Now, don't get me wrong life has been hard for me I guess some people may look at me and say "Girl you have no idea what hard is", and I get that.  We all have our battles and suffering I think it is just in different ways for all of us,  but I do not necessarily think the pain is any more or less.  I get really emotional writing all this and I have tears in my eyes now.  It is hard to share some of the things with everyone and the pain I have felt.  I have cried many many nights of my life asking God...Why Me? Why Me?   Why can't I just be a normal girl like all those normal girls that are skinny and pretty...Why?  Why can't I just feel that for ONE DAY?  It hurt so much to see all my friends just be happy, fit in and just have no worries....I wanted to be that girl if not just for one day......People now , I know, wonder why I am such a worrier...I don't know any other way to be.  I want to be accepted as hard as that is for me to say....it comes from my past and always wanting  to just be accepted for me...Just me..I always knew I was a good person but so many didn't give me a chance to show them....and that hurts.  I still have this part of me that I carry with me and I am sure always will....I guess it is just another layer that maybe I can one day peel back.  I guess because I have been prejudged my whole life because of my weight makes me worry that once people get to know the real me they won't like me....cause at the end of the day I just want to be liked and loved..don't we all?  Don't we all just want to be accepted for who we are?  I think the people that say they don't care are lying...  I am just me, I am not fake I can't be I just can't.  I am honest, I don't lie.  I can be quiet, loud, and  crazy.  I am  a give my all person, if I am your friend I give you everything I have.  I am selfish and sometimes a spoiled brat.  I love with all my heart probably too much sometimes but that is who I am.  My worst fault is I am sooo impatient and I so wish I could change that.  I am the worlds biggest procrastinator and I hate that about myself.  Sometimes I think I just need reassurance of things you know for someone to just say "Hey its ok...you are you and I accept you no matter what".  Yeah I think that is something we all need to hear sometimes.....

 I have a lot of people tell me that they are sorry for all the pain I have felt, the suffering I have done, the hurt I have felt.  Please, please don't feel sorry for what I have been through or the pain I have suffered through....It has all molded me into the person I am today and if I had it to do all over.....I wouldn't change a thing.  I wouldn't be able to inspire or help the people I am helping if I had not lived through what I have lived through.  So (and you know who you are) stop feeling like you should have spoken up or done more, or that you wished you had known my pain....Don't worry I am good and you know what... I am STRONG because of all of that and it feels amazing!!!!   I am pushing forward and changing my life for the better and doing so many things that I never would have done if I had not gone on this journey.   The paths I have traveled have lead my to where I am today and brought so many amazing people into my life....If my past was different, I may never had met these amazing people.  My pathes continue to bring amazing people in my life everyday.....it is just awesome.   So you see without my journey and the hurdles I have overcome...these people would not be drawn to me or placed in my life and I would miss out on so many things.  It has been a long hard road, a lot of hurt and pain, I will not lie but it has made me who I am today.

Pushing Past My Limits and Comfort Zone

Ok....I have avoided this topic for far too long.  As I have said before, for me when I write it down and share it, it becomes real for me....I become accountable and all those excuses are out there for everyone to see them for what they are EXCUSES!!!!  So I started yesterday with my newest project.  I am training my brain to STOP holding me back in my running.  I am so programmed to already tell myself I have failed before I even start, bc hey the fat girl will never be able to run, much less fas,t right?  My biggest enemy has been and continues to be my brain.  I guess when it has only known one way to work for 36 years it is not just going to change right away.  It stinks...I don't want to feel like this and I don't want people to think I say the things I say just to have them give me more compliments..It really isn't that. I just have always thought I wasn't good enough and never deserved to be happy much less pretty or amazing....It is just so hard to see!!!! I hope one day I can see it. I really do. But right now I am just trying to take it one step at a time.  So I have conquered running, conquered running long distances, so now I have to learn my limits.  I hold back SO BAD!!!  I guess all my life I have held back bc hey if you hold back and don't fail....then you didn't really fail right???  SO WRONG!!!!  That is settling and as I have said before I am NOT SETTLING ANYMORE!!  In any aspect of my life.  Ok so obviously this is easier said than done bc this is a battle I am fighting everyday!  I want to go out there and run until I think I am gonna die...which I won'.t I am not going to die bc I pushed too hard....Now I can sit here and type this all day but when I am out there huffing and puffing on a run I want to quit so bad and my brain tells me I cannot do it and I want to give in so bad!  I realize that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by starting to run so I know I have it in me to do.  I just don't know. I look at other runners (not naming any names) LOLLL.... And I convince myself that when I first started running I was much slower than them and now I still have that mind frame.  I am now A LOT lighter than I was when I started running and in A LOT better shape than I was when I started running and dang it I CAN BE a lot faster!!!!!  I have to push push push..........So  this is my newest hurdle that I WILL OVERCOME!!!!   I will NOT settle on this or anything else in my life.  I have wasted way to much time doing just that and at this point in my life the sky is the limit for me!!!!!  

This Is Me....The Girl I Have Always Been.....

 I unfortunatly care way too much what people think about me.  I guess it comes from a life of being insecure and just wanting to fit in and be liked.  I want people to see me for who I am and like me.  I worry that people won't like the "real me".  I worry WAY too much about peoples acceptance.  I don't want people to confuse who I am with what I used to be.  See I am ME, I haven't changed except on the outside and I don't want people to think I am "all about me"  now.  I am the person I have been for 36 years, I was just trapped behind my weight.  No one really knew the "real me"  bc I kept it hidden, afraid to show confidence, I didn't think I deserved it.  I really hope  people are not  having a hard time accepting the "new me"...and I am a new me, but a BETTER ME.  As for the confident, happy, person that has the confidence to speak out, motivate and inspire people....That has always been me but I never felt I could do it.  I have always been this hard headed, head strong girl, just never had the confidence to step up and take a stand.  Yes I know I take ALOT of pictures of myself now and post them....Not because I think I am "all that", but bc for 36 years of my life I have avoided pictures at all cost!  I hated them and now I don't have a lot of great memories to look back at  bc of that....Also I want lots of pics of my journey bc I want to be able to look back and see every little change I went through to see how much I have accomplished and how much I have overcome.  So I don't want to come accross overbearing or arrogant, I am the furstherest from that....I am worried more about what other people think and their feelings and put my feelings last.  I am not going on tv and doing commercials for me....It is totally NOT about me.  I feel led to help people and try to inspire people.  I want to show people that this ordianry girl, after 36 years of struggling was able to step up and regain control of her life and anyone can do it.  I want to change peoples lives.  It is not about what I have accomplished, how much weight I have lost or how I look.  I am so happy with my accomplishments, amazed and in shock at them actually, and I don't want any attention over it, it is not about me at all.  I am here to tell you if it was only about me I would not have done the commercial or been on the TV shows.  I will not lie I love the compliements I get I think that is just human nature, it makes me feel good bc I don't really see myself as pretty or beautiful....I am still just Lindsay to me...the overweight happy jolly girl.

Feel with your Heart....Not your Mind

So as said in my last post is that I have discovered that I have caused a lot of my pain and situations over the years.  Over the past few days I have done a lot of soul searching and just trying to think about the way my thoughts have worked and how I can change them.  I have realized that I have been letting my mind control every aspect of my life.  My consumed thoughts and overreactive thoughts of what ifs and expecting the worst.  What I have been doing wrong for all these years is feeling with my mind and not my heart.  Actually probably not feeling very much because my mind would not let me.  I have more than likely missed out on a lot of things and relationships in my life that my mind and thoughts shielded me from.  As I was holding back thinking people were judging me and distancing themselves from me, they were feeling the same vibes from me.....Wow this is such a huge break through form me.  So now the question is....How?  How do I start letting my heart feel without my mind telling me all the negatives about it.  I am going to take it day by day.  I am trying to notice when my mind starts trying to go in that wrong direction.  I am striving to give everyone that crosses my path now a chance to impact my life in some way or not at all, but at least aT the end of the day I will know I didn not push them away. 

As many of you know already I had a wreck yesterday that could have been so very bad.  By the Grace of God I am just a little sore.  I am telling you that iT scared me to death.  After it happened I honest to goodness thought I was dead looking down on the accident.  It was so unreal bc there was the front of that van in my backseat, glass everywhere and I was ok....How was that????  I honestly sat there thinking "I'm dead and I am looking down on myself watching everything happen".  I was just so in shock that I was not hurt how does that happen????  Well I will tell you....God is not through with me.  He has plans for me and I have a lot more of my journey to travel.  He kept me safe yesterday and he kept my children safe by me being alone and I am so so so Thankful to Him for that!  Amazing how He works.  He made a lot of Very Loud statements yesterday that opened my eyes and I know opened others.  He gave me answers to some  very important things that have been weighing on me lately. Everthing happens for a reason you know. 

I have fought the battles I have fought. Dealt with the demons I have had.  Walked the paths I have walked and lived the life I have lived all to lead me to where I am today.  I could not tell my story to people if I had not lived the life I have lived.  All my life I have always said "Why?  Why me God?  Why do I have to be the fat girl? It just hurts too much!  Can I just be skinny just for one day????"  Everything is in HIS time and I went through the struggles I went through to bring me to where I am now.  AMAZING truly AMAZING!  I wouldn't go back and change a THING!!!!  I finally get it . I am here to make a change, to show people it is possible to take control of you life again.  This is about weight yes,  but it is soooo much more.   It is about living your life the way it was meant to be lived.  fighting your battles and telling the world LOOK OUT  here I am and guess what? I AM NOT SETTLING ANYMORE SO YOU BETTER WATCH OUT !!!THIS IS THE NEW ME AND NO ONE IS GONNA KNOCK ME DOWN!!!!!!

Hurting People Hurt People

As I sit and talk to friends about the things I have been through in my life and how I handled them I am realizing that I brought A LOT of the hurt and negativity on myself.  I am realizing that by prejudging..(yes I said ME doing what I have preached about in this very blog)of others has hurt me in my life.  See I assumed before even meeting people that they would judge me or not be nice to me because of my weight.  I am realizing that I pushed and still push people away without giving them a chance for fear of being hurt.  You see, in my mind they will eventually hurt me or let me down and it hurts a lot less now than later.....  I know I know crazy totally not a right way of thinking but as I have said before I am being transparent and writing these things is very healing to me and helps me recognize things and move past them.  

I am about to say some things that I have only told a couple of people very recently...This is very hard for me but I have to do this to get past this.  I am trying to think of a good example for you to understand exactly what I am talking about.  The thing that comes to mind is if I was out with my friends and a good looking guy actually gave me attention and talked to me I was very distant and pushed him away...Why you ask?  Because in my mind this attractive man couldn't possibly be interested in this overweight girl and his friends are probably in the corner watching waiting to see if he won the bet....YES this is a horrible way of thinking but it is honestly how I felt.  My head was just wired to assume that someone was always out to hurt me.  I now realize that maybe people weren't always out to hurt me but maybe I pushed them away and didn't give them a real chance to show me who they were.  Wow.......  this opens a whole other can of worms huh..... I was doing the very thing to people that I am preaching they did to me.......

So this is a whole new hurdle I have got to clear as I work through this incredible journey I am on.  I am so blessed to have the friends in my life that will step up and tell me these things because if I don't change these thoughts then what good am I doing?  So now I have to figure out how I am going to change these thoughts.  hmmmmmmm

I think that might require a blog of its own in a few days,  after I pray a lot and reflect on my past and figure out how I can change these thoughts.  Here's a little food for thought and I love this saying "Hurting people hurt people "  also my mother tells me this one all the time "The ones that are the hardest to love are the ones that need it the most". Both of these are so true...my life is a prime example...I was hurting and I hurt other people trying to avoid more hurt for myself.  In the end I was still hurting and hurt innocent others at the same time.......

Am I amazing?....I'm just me

People say to me "You are amazing you are this strong person now and have accomplished so much...How can you not see that?!!!!".  See I am the same girl I have been my whole life, I just held it all in because I didn't want to be noticed.  I don't see myself as this amazing person I just see myself as a girl who said "ENOUGH" and took my life back under control.  I completely and totally have a HARD time taking compliments... I guess it is one of my worst character flaws.  Over the years I have convinced myself that I was not pretty, not sexy, not worth anyone's time, not good enough at anything and never, ever did I think I deserved the best of anything or even to be successful in life in any way.  All these thoughts protected me from getting let down bc if I was let down..I convinced myself that is the way it would be bc of my weight.  So saying all this, you can see why when I am told I am pretty or amazing or whatever someone says, I am like, "whatever".. I am trying to learn to say thank you but it feels so funny bc if they tell me I am pretty or beautiful,  I don't see it, I really don't.  I just look in the mirror and see the same girl I have always been.  There is so much out there in life, I am realizing that.  The sky is truly the limit and I am going to ride this journey as far as it will take me.  I am gaining more and more confidence every day.  I will get there. I know I will. It just takes time and healing.  Yes I said healing.   I have a lot of wounds and scars that have to heal...A lot of these wounds and scars, I have allowed society and people to give me...a lot I have given myself.  Lets face it guys society is ugly to overweight people.  You know what I think bothers me the most....Now they make such a big deal about bullying.....IT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A VERY LONG TIME...It is all how you see it.  They make a big deal how mean kids are....They were mean to me..called me fat left me out wouldn't be my friend.  I have a lot of scars from this.  To be told and looked at your whole life as the fat girl the happy jolly girl that was just putting on a front and all of a sudden now people tell me I am amazing and beautiful and that I inspire them...It is a lot to swallow.  I am working very hard on changing my thoughts but as most of you know our mind is our biggest enemy in every aspect of our lives.

I just hope that if people get anything from my blog you get at least one thing.....Please don't judge people bc of their weight...remember there is an amazing person under those layers DYING to come out.   Don't be that person to add another scar that will add another layer to their armor...Be that person that gives them the  hope that one day they can decide they want to make a change and gain control of their life  like I did. 

It is scary,  SO scary, I will not lie.  So many days I want to just go back to being that person that hides and the person that  no one expects anything great out of, but at the end of the day there are too many ppl out there that need me.  Too many people  that are losing hope.   I want to be that person that steps up and says "Look what I have done, I am no different than you.  You can do this and the sky is the limit"  So many people are looking for that one little glimmer of hope.. I want to be that hope.  I want to show them I am no one special....Just a girl that was tired of settling and refuses to settle anymore!!!!!

Scared to say I enjoy it or it comes easy

So yesterday I did my first television appearance about my weight loss.  My brain and how it used to work wants to tell everyone I was scared to death and I don't know how I did it and it was awful.  But I now have to dig deep down and let who I am now override that old person and I am here to tell you I enjoyed it, I wasn't really that nervous and I cannot wait to do it again....Shocking I know!!!  I told my counselor a few weeks ago that I enjoyed talking about my journey but that it shouldn't be easy and I should be scared.  She pointed out something very important, she asked why I said that and I told her because I have always felt that way.   That was the old me.  See, that was the way I used to think about those things and I guess it is just so foreign to me to like it, to not be scared, and want to do it more!!! The best part; I am learning that I enjoy it tremendously and I hope to be able to do  it more and more!  I hope that I continue to have opportunities to share my story because I guess for the first time in my life I feel a true passion for something.  When you feel this way about something it just comes natural sharing it with people.  There is no planning a speech writing down what you need to say and preparing for it.. You just get up there and speak from your heart and it just comes and maybe that is why it is so easy for me. I don't have to stress and try to remember what to say or forgetting something I just share my journey and that is that.

I have had a rough few weeks. I am here to admit and be transparent right?  I have hit a plateau that I knew I would hit being so close to the end of my weight loss.  I cannot really say the end of my journey because I feel that I am not even close, that just reaching my goal is not the end of this; not anywhere close!!!!  I have finally gotten back to my running so now I am having to work hard to get these last few pounds off.  See, I know I have come so far and grown so much but I still struggle.  Sometimes it feels like much more of a struggle because I am inspiring people and helping people and I feel I have to stay strong and positive for them when I just want to cry and have someone lift me up.  Fortunately I have a great support group and have plenty that do this for me in my weak times!!  I wouldn't change any of it for the world and am so blessed to be where I am.

My best friend of over 30 years was with me yesterday for my first television appearance.  I am so glad and blessed to have had her in my life all these years.  She has been by my side during so much and all my struggles and has never judged me or put me down for my weaknesses.  It was so surreal yesterday, being there and her being there.  Both of our lives are about to change so much for us. It is crazy how parallel our lives are as they change!!!  We are both pretty much about to be living out our dreams at the same times in our lives... How cool is that!!!

My hopes for all this in the end is that I can at least help and inspire one person.  At the end of the day if my struggles and successes have helped or inspired someone, then my job is complete!

The obstacles I have overcome

So this weekend I did my first ever 5K Mud Run.  This is a 5K with crazy hard messy obstacles and lots and lots of MUD!!  I had a blast!!!  We had a little group of people and we just had so much fun!  Now I don't think anyone realizes that this was not just a obstacle course for me it was a life obstacle for me.  I conquered SO many fears through this run.  There are so many things in my life that I have not even let myself try because I was afraid of failure.....well not anymore!!!!!!!  I have always wanted to do something like this but knew it wasn't an option because of my weight.  I find myself still holding myself back from things because I am just so used to it.  I am scared of pushing my body to it's limits because it couldn't do much with that extra 135lbs on it so pushing wasn't really an option.  In this mud run there were walls to climb over WALLS TO CLIMB OVER!!!!!  I think that was one of my biggest fears.  I would tell myself I could never do that I don't have enough arm strength I am going to fail!!!  Well don't fall out of your chairs people but I DID IT!!!!!  The biggest feat of it all was that I had to step into a guy's hand and get a boost to the top of the wall!!!!!  I don't think I have ever had someone boost me up before....I am totally serious.  I was scared to death I was afraid I weighed to much of that I couldn't pull myself up the rest of the way up and over the wall.  But I DID IT!!!!!  Thanks to my group we pulled together and got everyone over and I did it!!!!!!!!  And this best part of this...I cannot wait to do it AGAIN!!!  I also had to climb a hill using a rope to hold onto I was scared I just wanted to say "Nope can't do this", but I didn't I just took it on and it was EASY!!!!!!!  I am really amazed at myself I am just amazed at what my body is capable of now and I don't give it credit for what it can do.  I hold back so much and do not push it anywhere near as far as it could go.  So this is my next challenge to myself, is to push my body to it's limits, find out my limit.  As a dear friend said to me, "Your body is a machine, get your mind out of the way push it and let it do what it is capable of ".  I have learned this statement is so true.  My mind is my biggest enemy, it tells me I can't do it, but I know I can and I realize now that my body is capable of so much, it just needs to be pushed.  

This journey just continues to amaze me at ever turn.  I just truly cannot wait to see where it takes me.  I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life and it feels so good!

Speaking for the first time about my journey

Well I spoke for the first time in front of a group of people about my journey.  I spoke to my boss's church yesterday and just shared a little mainly about my running.  I realized that this is the first time IN MY LIFE that I have gotten up and talked in front of a room that was not a classroom where I was forced to get up to do a speech.  I was terrified at first I thought my legs were just going to go out, but the most amazing part is I started to relax and the words just came.  

See on my drive to church I prayed for God to provide the words for me to say for people to be able to enjoy and relate to my story.  Now that I look back I see that I am am where He wants me to be and doing what I am supposed to be doing.  He showed me yesterday that I am on the right path and He will continue to open door after door after door!  I have found my true passion now.  I want to help people help themselves.  The strangest but greatest part of it is, it just seems too easy.  I mean I just am transparent, I just tell people  my struggles and trials and tell them my story.  How does that help people?  It is just me and I don't understand how it helps people.  But I am realizing that I am not always supposed to understand.  I realize that just because I don't see it doesn't mean it isn't true.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE that I can help people, it is just strange being that person that wants to never be noticed to someone that purposefully gets up in front of people to speak!  

I am so happy now.  I am happy that I have changed my life and found out what is out there for me.  I am so happy that through all this I can help other people that thought there was no hope left for them.  It makes me happy, it makes everything I do worth all the trials and struggles to just see ONE person get that glimmer of hope in their eyes that they CAN do this!  It helps me through my tough days to know that it is ok to struggle because someone, if not myself will learn from this. 

My whole life is changing so much and the next few months, years are going to be amazing.  God is leading me down some amazing paths and opening some amazing doors.  I cannot wait to be able to share with everyone the amazing things that are happening to me!!!  

I'll Start it on Monday

Well I did my commercial on Friday and that was scary but I survived.  Not sure how it will turn out I was very very nervous!!!  After the commercial I did a photo shoot for pictures for their website and other things and WOW that was FUN!!!!  Like when in my life would I have been comfortable in front of a camera much less enjoy it....NEVER!!!  It was amazing and I will share pics as soon as I get them!!!

So today is about I WILL START MONDAY.   How many of you have said a MILLION times "Oh I will start doing it Monday".  This applies to exercise, eating right or really anything that we want to do to change our lives.  Well I was that person!!  I swear I was that person for the last 36 years.  Every Monday would come around and I would be ready then I would slip up and say well there went this week, and would tell myself I could not start again til the next week.  As this happened over and over again I gained a little more weight each time. As I gained each additional pound, in my head this put me further and further away from my goal and by that it made losing all my weight impossible so I just would give up.  And it would start over again the next Monday, it was a vicious endless cycle that I had to END!!!!  When your mind works like this you are not ready to change your life!   You have to be ready to make that change and QUIT making excuses and do it!!!  Waiting til Monday is just another excuse to put it off for a few more days.  If you want to change your life  you first have to get your mind where it needs to be.  If this takes you months, then so be it, but it is where you HAVE to be to succeed.  I will be honest it took me a long time, I really am not sure how long it was just something I thought long and hard about before I took the final step.  Because see people think that you starting to diet or exercise or joining a weight loss group is the first step.......IT IS NOT and they are so wrong.  If you are truly ready to change your life it is the FINAL STEP!!  We as a society have to realize this!!  We cannot just go on a fad diet or a crash diet or whatever is the flavor of the week.  We have to, yes I am going to say it, CHANGE OUR LIFESTYLE!!!!!  I know you think well that is too much trouble, well it is not.  It is just like anything else we do in our life, you just do it!!!

I have learned that the "I will start it Monday" will get you NOWHERE!!!  You have to make the decision to change your life and if it is Wednesday then good if it is Saturday then great!!!  It doesn't matter what day it is bc it is the day that you change your life and that is all that matters!!!!  You are the only person that can make the change.  You have to want to do it for yourself and not for anyone else.  

Don't you ever feel like you are less than Perfect

So as I was driving to work this morning I was listening to my ipod and the song "Perfect" came on by Pink.  This song has a HUGE meaning to me.  It reminds me of my life and a lot of feelings I have had my whole life.  I have this song in my running play list and when it comes on MAN I feel like I can conquer the world.  This song reminds me that I AM perfect.   I love the part that says,  "change the voices in  your head,  make them like you instead".  Wow that is so true on so many levels!!!!  We tend to beat ourselves up and I am my biggest critic!!!!  My mind is my biggest enemy in a lot of things in my life.  My weight, my running and so much more.  So you can see this song really hit home with me.  It has taken me through my very first run, my first 5k and my first 1/2 marathon.  I still get a burst of adrenaline when it comes on in my run and I think, "I can do this!!!"  I have also learned that my  music is a HUGE impact on my running.  I will be running along and just kinda blah and then a good upbeat song comes on and I am speeding up and pushing myself.  I love music it really gets me going!  I just wish I could sing.  I mean I sing in the car with the radio up, but you know sing good. LOL Oh well.

I have had A LOT on my plate in the past week, I am struggling some to keep it together but I am getting there. I truly believe this journey  has been preparing me for this moment in my life.  I think if I was going through the things I am going through now a year ago, I would have already crumbled and be no help to anyone.  I am having to learn how to deal with my problems and stress without using food.  It is at this point in my journey a lot easier than I thought it would be.  I think it is easier because I have been learning through my whole journey how to deal with food and not use it to comfort me during hard times.  

I love the new me!!!  I am happier than I have ever been in my life and nothing is going to bring me down!  I have fought a good long hard fight and now it is time for me to enjoy my rewards.  I have finally come to a point where I realize that I CAN do anything that I set my mind to, NOTHING is holding me back anymore and it feels amazing.  People talk about getting old and hating it....these are the best times of my life!!!!

THE HARDEST THING TO ADMIT!

Ok so I am just going to be completely and totally transparent and honest today.  I am not really wanting to let this be known to everyone but I feel like it is important that I say these things for those of you out there that struggle.


I went for my weekly weigh in yesterday, and I gained 2.5lbs last week. I was like OMG 2.5lbs in ONE WEEK!!!!  But, at the same time I deserved it.  I ate lots and lots of bites of things that I am not supposed to eat and also the biggest reason I do believe is that I haven't ran in SIXTEEN DAYS!!!!  My body is used to me running 3 miles twice a week and 6 or more once a week.  So I am not ashamed to say I gained weight last week and I deserved it.  I want people to see that even after over a year and down 132lbs that I still have struggles just like I did in the beginning and it IS OK!!!  And believe it or not I am ok with it.  I won't lie I was a little bummed but no biggie, I am going to buckle down and come back next week and lose that 2.5lbs and MORE!!!!!  I am at a place where mentally I can take this and I wanted to share with others that it is ok.  You just pick yourself up and strive to do better.  This is only the 2nd time in over a year that I have gained and not lost and to be honest both times it was my fault!!!  I was letting my mental hunger win over my brain when I was really  not hungry.  I want to share that you will have struggles and when  you see me and see all I have overcome that I still struggle just like the day I started and it is OK and you will survive.  


I still struggle with my running.  I have gotten out of routine just because of schedules and saying  "I will do it tomorrow"  and as of today I had not ran in 16 days!  That is huge when your body is conditioned to run three times a week and you don't.  So when you start back it is HARD!!!!!  This morning was HARD, but I know that each time I run it will get easier and easier and I will get where I was.  So when you are getting out there killing yourself running and look at others that are running longer than you... they are right there with you pushing and struggling but the results in the end are so rewarding that every struggle you go through is worth it and I would do it all over again.  


I hope everyone knows how hard it was for me to put this out there and admit it to everyone that I failed this week and I have to pick myself up and get back where I need to be.  It is VERY hard for me to admit all this because as I have said in the past if you don't say it out loud and admit it then it isn't real.  I thought though that if someone out there is struggling they could see that after all my accomplishments, I am no different and I still struggle. 

This is how I did it.

OK so I figured I have told everyone a lot about my journey but I haven't really explained how I have done it and that is a common question I get.  So I figured I would put it here so everyone can see.  I have lost all my weight with Medifast.  I made that life changing call in May of last year, set up my first appointment and have been going every week since then.  I believe Medifast is the best plan out there for people because 1.  It uses NO shots, pills or any drugs to help with appetite suppression or any of that it is ALL YOU!!  2. The counseling, the counseling THE COUNSELING!!!!   This to me has been the most important key to this whole journey for me.  If not for this I could not sit here and write this blog opening up to everyone about my struggles.  By meeting with a counselor every week I have been forced to face these demons and by facing them I have BEAT them and that is why I have succeeded in my weight loss and will keep it off.


The Medifast program has several different plans but  will tell you about the one I have been on.  I eat 5 of their meals a day.  There are many different ones, bars, puffs, soups, puddings and all kinds of other things.  So I eat 5 of their meals a day then I eat what is called a "lean and green" meal.  This is 5 to 7 ounces of meat and three servings of vegetables.  Usually a serving of a vegetable is 1/2 cup, so that is about 1 1/2 cups of vegetables which add that to the meat and that is a lot of food.  By having this one meal a day it teaches you how to prepare your food in a healthy manner and also helps you feel like you are still able to eat things you want.  You can still go out to dinner and even pick up a salad at a fast food place if you need to.  I go in once a week to weigh and to meet with my counselor to go over my struggles I have had during the week and to plan on what I want to accomplish for the next week.  For me the thing that was SO important for me with this was the accountability.  I needed to HAVE to go in every week and get on a scale in front of someone and face the hurdles that I had the week before.  This was the part that was life changing for me.  I could finally tell someone my crazy thoughts and struggles and they understood all of it, because the greatest things about the counselors there is they have all lost the weight and been through it themselves.  That to me made it easier to talk to them and open up because they totally could relate, understand and ultimately advise me on how to work through it all.  


I am not trying to sell Medifast to anyone.  There are many different ways for people out there to lose weight this is just what has worked for me.  If I could have done it on my own then by all means I would have but I was just too weak and torn down.  I needed help, I needed someone to tell me that I could do this, that I was strong enough.  AND I DID!!!!


My counselor has been a true God send.  I mean that she is one of those people that you think about and say "God put her in my path for a HUGE reason".  She is one of the most Godly women I know and has touched my life in So many ways.  It is like she answered that phone that day when I called, she is the one that met with me that first day when I was at such a low point and gave me hope.  She tells me every week that I am the one that has done this but what I keep telling her is that I couldn't have done it without her by my side the whole way.  She ran with me in my first 5K.  Now how many people can say that!!!  She did the Mercedes 1/2 marathon with me.  She did these things for ME!!!! She showed up, cheered me on and told me I could do it and the biggest thing of all.... She BELIEVED IN ME!!!!!   They care about you at Medifast, I think that is a huge thing for me.  I am not just a customer, they all know my name and cheer me on and care about me and that means so much.  They have watched me change from this introverted person to this exuberant person and I am so glad I could share this journey with them.


After saying all this, I by NO means feel this is the only thing that works.  This is just what worked for me.  There are so many other ways out there to lose weight that might work for other people and that is great!  


I have so far done two radio commercials for Medifast and will be filming my first television commercial in a week!  I am very excited and honored that they have asked me to do this.  I will also be making various appearances on their behalf.  It feels so crazy that they want me to do these things for them, I am just Lindsay.  Just a girl who chose to not settle anymore and make a difference in her life.

Wow is all I have to say!

So Saturday night my best friend of over 30 years threw a celebration party in my honor for my weight loss accomplishment.  How awesome is that?  I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have.  It was a great party good times, good company and I am so lucky to have her in my life.  She has been that ONE person that has never judged me or treated me different bc of my weight.  She has always been there for me and has seen the person that I have always been on the inside!  Having a good time and going to that party was a huge step for me.  I have been avoiding most social situations for most of my life bc of my weight.  So to have a party thrown for me....yeah I tried to back out but she wouldn't let me!

It is funny how our brains work.  I have a hard time of making people understand that when I look in the mirror I do not look different that i did 132lbs heavier.  I can even look at past photos and I don't see the difference.  I am told that it will come, that I will later on to be able to see the difference.  I guess it is no different then when I looked in the mirror when i was overweight and didn't see myself being that big, because if I did I would have made a change a long time ago.  The same goes for everyday when I simply step into my pants.  I look at them as I put my first foot into the leg thinking.....I cannot possibly fit into pants this small there is NO way, but I do.  I hold them up and think OMG I cannot fit into something this small, or a shirt this small.  It is funny how our brain works and still sees things the way they used to be. 

This whole journey feels so unreal to me.  All the hurdles I have crossed and accomplishments I have made all feel like a dream.  I have a hard time with the compliments and the people saying I inspire them, because it is all so overwhelming at times.  I will be quit honest too it can feel like a huge responsibilty also.  I was the girl that sat in the farthest corner out of sight never speaking up to being an inspiration to people!  Wow!   At the end of the day, I am just me. 

One of the most common questions I get from people is "what about all the extra skin?".  Well as of right now I don't really have much.  It is going away a little everyday  and to be quite honest in the end I will not have any because it is just NOT an option bc I Will Not Settle.  When you lose it slowly and not drastically your skin has time to catch up with the wieghtloss, not to mention running tones up my muscles and tightens my skin.  And to be totally honest if you don't lose that weight you have all that skin with the fat in it so wouldn't you rather be healthy and thin and a little extra skin if it doesn't tighten up?  The facts are if you will do it the right way and work out and excercise it is not a problem. 

I am amazed everyday the people God is placing in my path that need me.  It is amazing and I just cannot wait to see when this road will lead me.  Everyday it is someone new it is just crazy!!!!!  Wow is all I can say

If you love them you have to support them!!!

I CANNOT emphasize how important it is that if you know someone that is overweight, to never ever pressure them or get disappointed in them or say anything to them about being overweight.  They have a mirror, they have a scale they put the food in their mouth.  They got it loud and clear from their own brain everyday of their life that they need to make a change.  If you love this person you need to BACK AWAY and support whatever they are going through.  If they are making excuses and struggling just be there for them and listen.  I know it is so frustrating but you have to realize this is not about YOUR feelings and thoughts, it is about theirs.  Everytime you tell them you are worried or you want them to better their life or you want them to be healthier, you are HURTING them with all those words.  You make them once again turn to food.  I know, I know, you don't want to do that, but you are and it is a bad cycle.  You need to pray for them and that is all you can do.  Support them in anything they do and DO NOT enable them.  If you are family, have healthier food, not tempting food at gatherings.  Everyone eat healthier and lead them by example, don't make a big deal out of it just do it.  It might take this person days, weeks, months or even years to get to the point that they are ready to change their life.  That is ok!!!!  Don't be disgusted with them, they have enough discust for the whole world everyday of their life.  It took me 36 YEARS to finally take that step!  THIRTY SIX YEARS PEOPLE!!!! So please, please be patient and don't judge someone, just because weightloss and exercise are easy for you doesn't mean it is easy for someone else.  Just because you can say, "Hey that is not good for me I am not going to eat that", doesn't mean it is that way for them.  For many many of us food is a total addiction.  It brings pleasure to us and we don't think about the horrible things it does to us in the end.  Instant gratification is all our brain lets us think about.  It is our drug.  Just like a drug addict or alcoholic, we crave it and love it.  The difference is, there is no way away from it.  We need food to survive we have to eat, it is always there and will always be.  So, we have to find total control over it.  We cannot ask people to not eat because it is tempting, we have to find control of that temptation. 

People feel sorry for us when we are trying to eat right.  They will say, "Oh I am sorry you cannot have this, I feel guilty for eating it in front of you.  Don't you want to take just one bite just to taste it?".  NO I do not and stop feeling sorry for me!!!!   I have lost 132lbs, I am a runner and I feel great!!!!  Get over it!!!!!  I GOT THIS!!!!!!! 
We live in the South and it is hard to control the situations we are in involving food because every social situation we have revolves around food.  You can do it, you can control it but if it is too hard and you are worried of how you would react DON'T GO.  If people cannot understand that then that is their problem not yours.  Only go out to places that offer something you can eat.  Don't set yourself up for failure because at the end of the day you are your NUMBER ONE supporter!   You cannot depend on everyone else to not tempt you, you have to make sure you do not put yourself in a position to be tempted!!!!

All I ask if you are someone that knows someone who is overweight and struggles, please don't give them your opinion.  It is kinda like that quote I keep seeing that says "Don't judge someone, you don't know they road they have been given to travel".  Well this is the same, you have no idea the struggles they go through everyday even just to get up out of the bed and face the world.  Anyone who is overweight and says they are ok with it and makes jokes about their weight are LIARS!! They are trying to hide that hurt, but trust me it is there.  They are more than likely dying on the inside and screaming for help, but just don't know how to ask for it.  For me admitting all this made it REAL!!!  If I didn't tell anyone about it, it wasn't real.  Well it is and it is completely and totally freeing to let it out! 

I hope you enjoy my blog and I want to reach out to ANYONE with these struggles.  If you are the person with the weight problem or the loved one who is worried about the overweight person, I am always here and I am glad to help anyway I can.  You can PM me on facebook or you can email me at linmiller94@yahoo.com.  I will be glad to help anyone I can with any of these struggles.  I will say it again like I have said on here before, if there had been someone to reach out to me several years ago I could have possibly changed my life before now.  With that being said I feel like it is my calling to help anyone I can through these struggles. 

:)

I never liked Skinny People!!

I will not lie, I have never liked skinny people.  In my eyes they had it so easy and never had any problems with their weight.  What I have realized now is I have never been more wrong.  They unlike me have chosen to eat the right things and exercise and work to keep control over their weight.  If they had eaten the things I had all those years they would be right where I was.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  I wanted to be pitiful and blame someone NOT myself.  But in the end, I was the only one to blame.  I was the one that chose to eat wrong and not take control of my life.  


As I was talking with someone last night that wants to lose weight, I realized why I am writing this blog.  It for one is an outlet for all these thoughts in my head, but at the same time I want to change lives.  I realized last night as it came out of my mouth that I want to be That  someone  I never had that person that could have stepped up and said, "let me tell you my story".  I truly feel like if I could have seen someone just like me that has been where I have been and conquered this demon, they would have inspired me.  With that being said I am making it my goal to be there for ANYONE that needs me.  So many paths have been opened for me in the past year that sometimes I just sit back and say "Hold on, let me take a breath",  because it is so unbelievable.  I have had a hard time understanding how I can be someone's inspiration when I am just losing weight, something I have put off for my whole life.    


You know it is so funny where life takes us and how the roads change.  Just three years ago I was a very unhappy person.  Not just with my weight but in my life completely.  As I look back over that time I realized it was because I was settling in every aspect of my life.  I still struggle with this daily.  My mind is still somewhat stuck in the way it used to work.  I have a hard time believing that I deserve to be happy because I have never TRULY been.  My weight controlled that for me and I let it.  As I look back I realize that I used my weight as a crutch.  "They didn't like me, I didn't fit in with that crowd, No one likes me".....this is what my brain told me and the reason for all of this was?....MY WEIGHT.  If someone didn't like me it was because of my weight.  If someone was rude it was because of my weight, and why not?   I disgusted myself, so I must disgust them!  

I struggle EVERYDAY with my mind and my confidence and all other aspects of my life, who doesn't?  It will never be easy street, but that is ok.  People say things and look at me in their judgemental way and say "Well now comes the hard part, to keep it off and not gain it back".  NOT AN OPTION!!!!!  Just not going to happen.   I have changed my life I will have to work at this for the rest of my life and SO WHAT!!!  I have to work at everything else in my life that I wanted to succeed at, so why is this any different?  That is fine, these people can sit back and judge and wait on me to gain it back......They will be waiting and waiting because I hate to let them down but it isn't going to happen.  I get it though, I will not lie when I was at low points in my life with my weight I HATED to see someone else succeed, HATED it, because I couldn't understand why they could do it and I couldn't.  I can admit this personality flaw and I know a lot of other people feel that way too, we are human!  I also know that when someone would try to push me to lose weight, or tell me "Lindsay I thought you were on a diet you don't need to eat that", they didn't realize by saying those few words my brain said "Well I'll show you, I will not only eat that but I will eat anything I want!!"  Showed them didn't I?  Showed them a whole lot by failing once again.  What people that are like that don't understand is they need to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!!!!  If they want to help someone that needs to lose weight just be there for them, listen to their excuses and just support them all you can, they will get there one day but it has to be THEIR idea and when they are there they are THERE and the sky is the limit!!!!


I have so many doors opening to me right now I don't even know what is up and what is down.  I do know that I am on the path I am supposed to be on and I am ready for this new chapter in my life.  This is it, my moment and I am ready.  


I realize now that I have had my struggles, fought my battles and succeeded at so much because this is where God wants me to be.  He has and is still molding me to become something so much more then my mind can even fathom.  I am so thankful for HIM!!!!  So many wonderful people have been hand picked and placed in my life and WOW it is AWESOME!!!!!!  Everyday is a new beginning for me and I cannot wait to see where tomorrow takes me!!!  Thank you for reading my random thoughts, these are straight from my heart and I hope everyone at least takes one small thing from reading them, if you do I have succeeded TODAY!!!!!!

Here I go!!!!

I would love to tell you that I had this huge sign or something that told me that was the day I would take the final step to change my life, but that would be untrue.  Anyone who knows me knows that  I completely over think everything!!!  I am a bit ocd too.  It is really, really bad.  So when I seem to say"OK I am doing this",  there was no thought put into it.  You better believe there was months of going back and forth.  I probably kept them all to myself but they were there and when I make that decision, it is done.  I made a phone call that day that changed my life.  I truly believe that God put this person on the other end of that call when I needed her the most.  I made an appointment and when I went to meet with her the next day there was no turning back.  I was doing this and I was doing this today!  It was hard, I will not lie.  But does anything in this world, good or bad, ever come easy?  Is something that is going to change your life forever not worth some struggles?  Everyone wants an easy fix, I do too.  But you know where easy fixes got me?  They got me to the heaviest and saddest point in my life...waiting on the miracle thing to do it for me.  There is no miracle that will do this for you;  no surgery that will make this easy.  Even if you get the gastric surgeries you still have to eat right for the rest of your life.  So I made the first huge step to take over my life and I was scared to DEATH.  What if I fail?  Why do I deserve to succeed?  It went on and on.  I sucked it up and went with it.   There were times when I wanted to just give up, but i didn't want to go back to the misery I felt before.  At first, I didn't want to exercise.  It made me angry that someone was going to tell me you have to exercise.  It has to be my idea.  So my counselor said "Lindsay, you don't have to exercise."  That next week I downloaded couch to 5k on my iPhone and decided if everyone else can run then so can I.  I started out running 60 seconds at a time, SIXTY SECONDS...and thought I was gonna DIE!!!!!I thought "OK,  never mind I can never do this", but I didn't give up because  for once in my life I did not want to settle for the things I could not do.  I have limited my life SO much because of my weight.  No water parks BC you do NOT want to walk around in a swim suit.  No amusement parks because OMG if you can't fit into the seat how horrible would that be?  My first week I lost 10lbs, TEN POUNDS wow!  One of the first things I learned on my first week was how horribly wrong I had been trying to lose weight.  I had been trying to starve myself which made me miserable and made me NOT lose weight.  Our society is so wrong!  You go to a restaurant and you order light food... they give you half the portion you need.   YOU NEED TO EAT TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!  I am eating more now than I thought I ever would, but it is all about eating the right things and from the right food groups.  It makes me so angry that we all are so warped that we think to lose weight that you have to starve yourself and who in the world would want to do that????  It isn't like that.  I eat 4 to 6 ounces of meat in a meal and three servings of vegetables That is a lot of food and that is just one of the 6 meals I eat per day.  

As of today, July 23, 2012 I have lost 132.3lbs.  I am 12lbs away from my goal weight! I am down 8 pants sizes to a  size 6 pants and down from a 2x shirt to a small shirt.  AMAZING!!!!  Never, and I mean never,  did I think that I could ever be an "average" weight, and actually I am not totally sure what weight I need to be in  the end because I have never been this small  in my Life!  I am now running 3 miles 2 days a week and right now I am at 6 miles one day and week and increasing it by 1/2 mile a week training for a 1/2 marathon!   Me,  Lindsay,  Miss "I will never get up early to exercise that will never happen" is getting up at 4:30am to RUN!!!!!  And the best part about it... I LOVE IT!!!  I feel so accomplished and feel like I can do anything after a run.  I have always settled and told myself I couldn't do so many things and for the first time in my life, I am pushing myself,  and it feels AMAZING!!!  The sky is the limit and I plan to keep pushing.  


My point to this blog for one is to get my thoughts out into words but just as much I hope that someone reads this and says "wow if she can do this,  I can".  Because, let me tell you,  you can.  I am just your average everyday person that always settled and always held back, so if I can do this then believe me anyone can!!!!!!  I want to inspire people.   I want to change lives.  I want to help people find themselves and uncover that amazing person that is underneath all of those layers.  


Of course, I have not done this alone by any means!  The Good Lord Above has been my strength and my rock through this entire journey.   We had many heart to heart talks when I wanted to give up especially on my runs.  I would just breathe and pray and breathe and pray for him to give me the strength to run just a little longer.  God  has gotten me through this and HE is opening so many doors  for my future and I truly believe that he has been grooming me my entire life for this moment!!!  I always was lost and worried when people would talk about their spiritual gift...I get it now, this is mine.  I have to remind myself that it is all in His time not mine.  I have also been surrounded by very supportive and strong people that have pulled me through this in my life.  You people know who you are and you know that without you this journey would not have been possible.  I will never be able to Thank all of you enough for all you have done for me throughout this journey. 

The beginning

So I guess I will begin this with a little about myself.  I am 36 years old and have been overweight my entire life.. I mean that there is not a time even as a child that I can remember that weight was not an issue with me. It completely and totally consumed every thought and every aspect of my life.  I could not walk across a parking lot, sit on the couch or sleep without my head spinning out of control about my weight.  I was a very unhappy person, but the more weight I put on the farther the possibility of losing it became until I eventually thought I could never ever do it.  I tried dieting and I did the "well I will start next Monday" about every week of my life...I guess it made me feel like if I at least said it people wouldn't judge too bad.  I hated going out to eat because I felt like everyone judged me by what I would eat.  Even if I was eating healthy I would feel they were like yeah right you will never accomplish that.  I  realize that yes the world is cold and cruel about weight.  Most people will never know the impact one small pass by comment can damage someone.  It all started for me in Middle School.  I knew I was overweight but no one ever said it and Hey if you don't talk about it, it isn't real right?  Well that one day someone a boy of all things called me fat it was the most mortifying thing I had ever dealt with in front of all my peers.  I was always strong willed hard headed stood up for what I believed in and when someone did wrong...That day when I stood up this person called me fat and from that day on I never stood up anymore...for fear of being called fat again.  It was the first of many scars that would come to cover many many layers of the person I have become.  I over time turned into myself internally speaking if I don't stand out if I am quiet enough if I sit in the back of the room where no one will see me then they won't have a chance to call me fat.  I always had a love for animals but I think in this time in my life they were my escape.  I started volunteering at a veterinary clinic.  See the thing about animals is they don't judge you...they love you unconditionally and they didn't see me as awkward and fat they just loved me for me.  Food was and is an addiction for me.  It gives you instant gratification and you don't see the damage it does until later so you don't think about it as you eat and it comforted me.  It tasted so good and made me feel good at the time.  I was always the happy jolly girl you know "Lindsay is so happy so Jolly always laughing"  no I was a good actor I was dying on the inside.  I have learned more about myself in the past year then I have in my entire 36 years of life.  I have and still am peeling layers and layers of scars from myself everyday.  What I am uncovering is completely amazing!!!!  I am an amazing person and I never knew it!!!  I have strength and drive and have realized that I can inspire people to change their lives!!!  Me Lindsay the overweight scared girl changing lives.....YES  I am and NO ONE can take that away from me!!!!!  I am alive, I am healthy and I am so HAPPY...Truly Happy for the first time in my life.  It has been amazing and I want to shout it to the world...If i can do it ANYONE can and I want everyone to.  No one needs or wants to live the life I was living and I want to help people know you are worth it!!!!!!!!